This just in! The Macaroni’s reporters in Philadelphia have officially reported that the history has been made! The democrats have officially nominated Hillary Clinton as their presidential nominee, breaking boundaries all across the board. When we asked convention goer Tara Jones her thoughts about this historic event, she said “Well, in the past, we’ve had a lot of male criminals run for president, like at least thirty. Now, we’re breaking boundaries for women! We’ve got to show them that we can be just as corrupt and power hungry in the political field.” The Macaroni can confirm that since everything from here on out involving Hillary is uncharted territory, we will keep you updated on every history-making moment in her coming campaign. Current articles in the planning include “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to complete two speeches,” “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to complete three speeches,” and “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to breath 10,789 breaths since nomination.”
We asked the head coordinator of DNC events, Treyvon Brown, if he could describe the events of the DNC to us. “Well,” said Brown. “we started it off with a booing session of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, because we didn’t like the stuff that came out with her emails [Brown assured us that he had never heard of any other scandals involving emails and very-high ranked members of the democrat party] and we couldn’t let ourselves get shown up by the Republicans, who had their own Ted Cruz booing event last week. Then we had Larry David – oh, I’m sorry Bernie Sanders – speak. That nearly turned into a disaster. All the ex-Bernie supporters got really pissed that he supported Hillary. Apparently they wanted him to support the lizard-man who’s the exact opposite of him in every policy out of sheer spite.”
Brown continued: “Then the next day, we had the official vote. Aside form that one guy who voted for O’ Malley, who i should mention has been humanely dealt with, the DNC’s plan of cramming Hillary down the nation’s throat was a total success. After a two hour ‘Bash Donald Trump fest’, we brought out Bill Clinton. Hillary must have really laid into him, because she actually managed to get him to change out of his bathrobe and come out onto the stage WITHOUT his saxophone in one hand and a secretary all over the other.” [Editor’s note: For those of you uninformed readers that don’t know anything, Bill Clinton was our 42nd president. Like Hillary, he also made history: as our first official black president.]
Brown also mentioned how they managed to get Joe Biden to stop smoking weed for about fifteen minutes so that he could give his speech (although it was obvious that by the end, Biden was experiencing withdrawal symptoms), and how they took Jimmy Carter off of life-support so that he could give one final speech (pre-written by Hillary of course) before he finally croaked.
We then asked Brown about how they put together the portions revolving around Hillary herself: “Well, we made this montage where we showed the glass ceiling put upon our society by the patriarchy of American presidents, and then we had Clinton break through that ceiling. With Clinton being about 5’6″, this showed just how low that ceiling really was.”
Brown said “the majority of Hillary’s speech was focused around how poor, poor Hillary and Bill were so poor and when they got out of the White house, they didn’t have a penny or a secretary to their name. This of course, built her emotional connection with the blue-collar workers of America, because the middle class can obviously relate to getting removed from the most prestigious and influential position in America which earns you millions. We also had her focus a lot on her point that if you’re a woman and you don’t vote for Hillary, you are obviously a disgrace to woman-kind (because instead of a patriarchy telling women what they can and can’t do, we need a matriarchy telling women what they can and can’t do).” When asked if women could vote for Jill Stein, the female nominee for the Green Party, Clinton said that “they can not, Jill Stein doesn’t count because she’s not a rich enough woman.”
Anyway, the event ended with a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey event, AKA a pin-the-tail-on-the-ass event, AKA a pin-the-tail-on-the-trump event. When asked how he thought the DNC went overall, Brown stated, “highly successful. Sure, those emails came out revealing that the DNC is made up of corrupt scumbags, but everyone already knew that anyway and it didn’t mess up things a whole lot. Sure, we caught flack from all those ‘Bernie or Bust’ people, but after euthanizing a couple, we managed to kill that movement in its tracks. Sure, Michelle Obama would’ve been twenty times the presidential candidate that Hillary could ever be, but whatever, Hillary’s probably gonna beat Trump.”
Anyway, that’s a wrap for all the news rolling out of the DNC.
For all the latest on politics and each history-making breath of air Hillary Clinton takes, keep it here at the Macaroni.