Games in Review: Pokemon Go

Hey, we’re still here (I know, surprising that anyone would waste away their summer writing this crap) and today we’re reviewing the summer sensation game, Pokemon Go.

Game Description/Plot Summary

So, for the one person out there who does not have Pokemon Go downloaded on their phone, we have this section where we describe the game as if you don’t know what the heck this is (we also recognize that there are a lot of you “closet Pokemon-ers” out there that have the game but want to pretend you don’t in an attempt to protect your pathetic non-nerdy image). Basically, what you do is you get up off your lazy ass and you go around and find Pokemon. Generally, when I play video  games, it is for the express purpose of sitting down on my lazy ass and not moving, but for whatever reason people love moving around to play this one. So you catch these cute cuddly animals, and you force them to fight to the death against each other for your entertainment, and your right to call yourself a gym leader (again, gym implies exercise, which to me is a big no-no when it comes to video gaming). The various Pokemon you can catch include Pidgey, Pidgey, more Pidgey, even more Pidgey, “Stop giving me Pidgeys” Pidgey, “Seriously, no more Pidgeys” Pidgey, “I hate stupid Pidgeys” Pidgey, “If  you give me another F***ing Pidgey I swear” Pidgey, and occasionally Rattata.


There isn’t so much plot to this game as there is drive to “catch em all”, which is in reality an impossible task seeing as number 150, Mewtwo, can only be found hiding underground in Area 51. The most interesting element of the game is actually how it interacts with real-life, seeing as since its release, it has lead to the discovery of four dead bodies, at least one shooting, an unknown number of abductions, and one Central Park flash mob. It also allows you to take on certain challenges such as “how close can i come to falling off that cliff in order to catch that Blastoise,” or, if you have really low goals and expectations, “how close can i come to falling off that cliff in order to catch that Zubat.” But honestly, its a pretty cool premise, if you don’t consider the fact that I’m a teenager without a driver’s license, car, or money for gas, so I’m confined to catching the stray Spearow that wanders into my backyard. [16/20]


The fact that it can actually utilize your phone’s camera to create a Pokemon floating in midair is made all the better by the funny pictures of Pokemon in weird places that the internet has spawned. For example, take this Abra below, answering nature’s call.

abra gotta go.jpg

Or, take this man who decided to hunt for the most common Pokemon in the game while his wife is in labor.


So yeah, good work Niantic. [10/10]

Gameplay Mechanics/Style

There  are two main gameplay mechanics, walking and throwing Poke-balls. The walking tends to be weird and jerky in the game (jerky as in it shows you moving when you are definitely not moving), likely due to the fact that billions of “Poke-masters” are using the game at once and overloading the servers designed for five people. As for throwing Poke-balls, actually managing to hit a Pokemon on your first throw is a Goddamned miracle. The thrown ball has a curious tendency to fly sideways, possibly as the side effect of some nonexistent virtual wind, or some Japanese game-designer who likes to make American millennials suffer. Eventually you can also battle with your Pokemon, which is not so much you controlling the Pokemon as you tapping the screen. Repeatedly. [10/20]


There’s always gonna be new gyms to conquer, new horizons to cross, new Pidgeys to find… Oh yeah, and don’t forget new houses to break into to find that rare Pokemon.[18/20]


Asides from all those Weedles running around, there are also a few Caterpies here and there. But in all seriousness, this game is riddled with server problems. Nothing is more painful than finally catching that Raichu and then having the server glitch out on you and having the screen freeze-up immediately after the Poke-ball closes, which happens a lot. Plus, as mentioned there’s a lot of problem with the GPS correctly locating you, correctly locating Pokemon, and other stuff like that. The Poke-ball throwing is less of a glitch and more of a cruel prank played on us by the Japanese. Overall, Pokemon Go is more like Pokemon Slow half the time. [7/20]


I thinks its kind of nice that its only the first 150 Pokemon, because they stopped before they got to the era of when the creators were out of ideas for Pokemon, so they literally made Chandeliers into Pokemon (don’t believe me? Look up Chandelure). [10/10]

Final Verdict 

Pokemon Go has earned a [71/100], which honestly could be a lot better. Maybe if there wasn’t so many damn Pidgeys…

But before we sign off, we would like to make a PSA to please no do stupid things while Pokemon-ing. Catching a virtual Pokemon that has no actual substance or tangible value (no matter how rare it is) is not worth getting arrested for trespassing, killing someone in a car accident, going missing for six days, being a rude person, or jumping off a bridge. No one wants the distinction of being the first person killed playing Pokemon Go.

And most importantly, don’t be this reporter. (

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern



Games in Review: Pokemon Go

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