School has started back up, raising the average stress level of a Greenville student by 36% (73%, for the IB students out there, and 100% for anyone that has the deplorable sense to look a certain Latin teacher in the eyes). With so many grey areas in life, so many concerns, so many classes to sleep through and immediately lose the rubric for, we at the Macaroni are here to declare an absolute in this crazy, madcap clusterfuck. Here is an extensive critique of the upstairs Greenville High School girl`s bathroom, obviously for our target demographic.
When hit at the right point of the day, this bathroom is by far the perfect convergence of clean yet convenient. It endures just enough traffic to keep it well maintained, without the excessive amounts of graffiti and stray middle schoolers one might find in, say, the downstairs women’s room across from the library. However, the equilibrium is thrown completely to shit anytime between periods or before the second bell, when the descending hordes flock around the mirrors in packs greater than those in Cumbies on a free coffee Friday. On picture day, forget it. You would be better off using the porta potty up by the soccer fields. (13/20)
The narrow, tunnel-esce structure of this bathroom allows one to peer straight through from the hallway, like a periscope right from the opposing lockers straight to the sinks, so every wash of your hands or glance in the mirror may be monitored at any moment. The downstairs and even middle school bathrooms give you the luxury of perceived privacy, but in this bathroom, one thing is clear–Big Brother, or any other passing bystander, is watching. Also, it has a delightful yet somewhat concerning buttercup hue; one is left to wonder if it was selected upon a purely aesthetic basis. (4/20)
As the only upstairs girl`s bathroom, apart from the hotboxed heroin repository generously referred to as the middle school girl`s bathroom, this bathroom is more of a utilitarian necessity than a preferable choice. The traffic is, as aforementioned, manageable, but a more centrally located upstairs real estate would be preferable, to eliminate even the faintest debate of any high schoolers braving the middle school to cut out the long march down the hall. Oh, and you can hear Mr. Evan`s Mountain Dew-fueled 9 period long mathematical roasting of his classes so well it feels like you too are counting down the minutes from within the walls of his classroom. (9/20)
While this is your standard three stall deal, less than its neighbor directly below, all sinks are in proper working order with water coming out on command from the intended area, which is more than you can say for most of the school`s bathrooms. Along with your standard mirror selection, there is also a large angled mirror at the end, presumably to solve the biggest concern of humanity today, which is knowing exactly what the top of your head looks like. One of the highlights of the bathroom is the strange, perforated box attached to the wall inside the end stall. While the definitive nature of this box`s purpose is largely unknown, it is commonly thought to be an archaic listening device planted by the NHS, or perhaps a biological weapon of some sort, loaded with nerve gas. Whatever it is, it really ties the room together, and looks on point in the back of many bathroom mirror selfies. Finally, the window really sets the bathroom apart, as it`s the only high school girls bathroom that has one, probably because it`s more difficult to slide the window open and sneak out from the second floor. (20/20)
Although partially covered under Atmosphere, this really deserves its own section. While once a haven for several scrawled disputes, this particular bathroom is now very tame, with more apologies than insults currently visible on its walls. It is definitely a far cry from the library-adjacent bathroom`s “chamber of secrets”, but can not boast as cleanly a track record as, say, the closed-down bathroom by the cafeteria (although it does have a leg up on that one in the not getting flooded department). (16/20)
The resulting total is 62/100 or three strange and mysterious NHS biohazard boxes, which seems shockingly high for the second most popular bathroom, but considering it is one of the few that has never been excessively flooded in recent history, it`s not too shabby. It certainly isn`t the best room in the school, but it has one major thing going for it: it`s not class.
To all of you starting school today, you`re very welcome, and good luck. Oh, and congratulations to the co-chefs for officially launching their campaign for class couple 2017!