Macaroni Critique: The Donald Trump Combover

Hell toupee

If you don’t read this article right now there will be hell toupee.

We hired the best people to put this article together so you better like it losers.


Donald Trump’s hair color falls somewhere in the color spectrum between yellow Labrador and rotten corn hair. Needless to say, not the most appealing of colors. Luckily however it could be worse: his hair is not black. It is a well known fact that laziness is a trait in the blacks. [0/20]


A dead chimpanzee with mange (or even the more dreaded broom closet Sasquatch) has a better hair style than Trump. How does he even achieve such a horrible hair style, one worthy of Lucifer himself? Does he blow-dry it? Does he stick his fingers in a light socket? Does he grease his hair with the blood of his Mexican enemies??? The world may never know. But you know, maybe we can cut him some slack in this area, because part of the beauty of him is that he is very, very rich. [0/20]

General Appearance: 

I don’t know about you guys, but generally “disheveled” is not the impression I want to make on the general populace. If Doc Emmet Brown had a love child with David Beckham, but then that child was stabbed to death and left to rot for 80 years, it might have a hairstyle somewhat akin to the Donald. Put that hair on top of an Oompa Loompa making a duck face that has small hands – and a certain other undersized body part – and voila, you have created a perfect Trump likeness. [0/20]


Reports say that the woman who touched his hair during a rally went into cardiac arrest an hour later and died on her way to the hospital. This isn’t surprising; after all his hair is probably coated in shit since shit seems to ooze out of every pore on his body on a regular basis. [0/20]

Political Correctness: 

Spectators at recent rallies have reported hearing faintly audible racial slurs coming from Trump, even when the presidential candidate was not moving his lips. Is it possible that this hair has been a mind controlling implant that has been causing him to spout racist and misogynistic remarks this entire time? Unlikely. I’m pretty sure Trump was just always a dick. [0/20]

[Editor’s Note: Don’t believe the lies proposed in the above paragraph, these lies were obviously created by and for the Chinese.]

Final Veridict

The final score of Trump’s Hairstyle is a shocking [0/100]. This officially makes it the only thing other than the Head Chef’s nose to ever score 0 points in a Macaroni Critique. But hey, it could be worse, because in the big man’s very own words…”The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald.”          *cough* Siebrecht *cough*

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Macaroni Critique: The Donald Trump Combover

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