Greenville demolishes own gym and grounds in an attempt to collect money for soccer scoreboard

In the latest “intelligent” decision of the Greevnille management, a special initiative has been enacted to fund a scoreboard at the upper soccer field behind the school. Since it is a well known fact that Greenville has absolutely no money – at ALL -they have had no choice but to resort to “uncivilized” tactics in an attempt to earn the necessary funds. These tactics include literally tearing down the entire HS gym and ripping the other “less useful” Greenville fields out of the ground.

It seems that after seventy-five years of trying so hard to get kids to get off of their lazy fat asses and move around a little, the school has discovered the inevitable truth: teenagers just don’t want to exercise. At least not in gym class, that is. But demolishing the entire gym seems a little extreme, or at least one would think. Well, that is exactly what the school is doing. Would we lie to you?

After nearly 90 years of Greenville students complaining about their lack of a usable track, the lack of a functioning AC system in the building, and the nonexistent funding for extra-curricular activities, thus limiting the school to five propaganda-infused clubs, the school has finally decided to start an all-out campaign to fund the answer to all the students wants and needs: a soccer scoreboard.

We know what you’re thinking readers: “Why can’t Greenville just pay someone to count the points? Hell, why can’t they just get someone to volunteer to count the points? Hasn’t that been what they’ve been doing for the last twenty-five plus years?” Well you see dear reader, if nothing else Greenville cares about appearances (excluding that of the High School “Track”). So in the mind of the administration, we’ll look classy if after the other teams hike past muddy trucks, torn up fields, and the sewer-y smell that emanates from the ditch running behind the back of the school, they arrive at a large billboard that does the job a whiteboard could do but more expensively.

However, the school quickly realized that it simply did not have the funds to purchase such advanced technology when all their money disappeared last year to be used on hair-brained schemes such as Mountain farming and laptop-brick crossovers. Desperate to quickly acquire their now cult-idolized scoreboard, the school has sought quick short term income earning strategies. However, since practically everything in the school is worthless, they have seen their only possible source of income is to rip up the floorboards in the high school gym and sell the heaps of asbestos below to terrorists and the like. Because while the safety of the children can’t motivate Greenville to remove the asbestos, money certainly can.

When the school noticed that the asbestos sale just simply wasn’t raking in the dough fast enough, they decided they had no choice but to also tear up the ground in the backfield and literally sell the grass to prospective buyers. The bleak, desolate, barren patch of nothingness that now rests behind the school is a perfect symbol to represent the minds of the Greenville students who sit through their study halls just wondering what the hell is going on with Greenville.

It is believed that the school has almost reached the amount of funding they need to build this mighty scoreboard, though noting how long it has taken to get most of the laptops in the school to a state of vague usability, one may wonder just how many years it will be before the scoreboard can actually be used to keep track of scores (the current Macaroni staff consensus is a three year minimum). One also must wonder how Greenville expects to afford the extra cost on their electric bill.

This is of course one of many decisions in a line of strange decisions that Greenville has made. Why did they buy wheeling desk chairs, knowing full well that even the responsible seniors would be wheeling them around the classroom making car noises within only a few minutes of class-time? Is there any conceivable pattern to which rooms got these wheelie desk chairs and which ones were left with the scratched and dirty gum collectors that are Greenville’s normal fare? Why the hell is the library getting moved? Alas, we are unable to answer these strange questions – we believe no sane mind will be able to.

And yet still so many questions remain, such as where the hell the pep rally will be held. Sadly it seems that this year, with the food vendors’ field literally ripped out of the ground and the only thing remaining of the high school gym being an asbestos coated pit, we may be forced to hold no pep rally at all, or at least one that has been moved to a less than satisfactory location, such as (*shivers*) the middle school.

Here’s to hoping that the school doesn’t make any other bizarre as hell decisions this year. Something tells me that it’s inevitable though.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern



Greenville demolishes own gym and grounds in an attempt to collect money for soccer scoreboard

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