The enclosed document was recovered from a journal found at the scene of a disappearance.
At approximately 3:30 PM on September 16th, 2016 emergency services received a call claiming that an employee at a local Super-Legit News publication, The Macaroni Report, had vanished. The missing person has been described as an agoraphobic, making an unexpected exit unlikely. Some evidence is enclosed in the journal of the missing person, and The Macaroni has agreed to its publication for the purpose of finding them. Anyone with information on the missing person is encouraged to contact The Macaroni Report, as law enforcement “just can’t take this seriously.”
Entries from Journal Titled “Article Ideas -MailRoom VP”
9/13 11:00 AM
Tragedy has been occurring this past week, as many High School students are losing their jobs, and now have no reliable source of income. What is the cause of this sudden rise in the unemployment rate? How will they financially cope with their new situation? Is the news week really slow enough for me to report on this?
Many High School Students have now been found living in the streets of Greenville, spending even more time loitering around Cumby’s. Many local businesses are shutting down with the end of the summer. Zoom Flume is no longer Zooming, the summer sun is setting on Sunny Hill, and Blackthorn(e) has gone another summer without deciding how to spell it’s own name.
This is an issue that I find hard to sympathize with, as the Macaroni Report has some of the best job security I’ve ever seen. I’ve never heard of an employee being fired, save for Intern No. 683 (aka Tardy Loser), but that was a very isolated incident.
9/13 11:30 AM
Many boiler room employees were fired by the Furnace Dragon. Literally. Heh.
And I haven’t seen Nixon, the Archivist, Furnace Dragon, or even the Head Chef all Summer. Were they fired? What is going on?
9/13 11:50 AM
Readers, it’s now come to my attention that corporate layoffs are plaguing the Macaroni Report and I have no choice but to secure my job before a little pink slip comes in the mail. I’m barricading myself in the Mail Room before any of the higher ups can find me.
9/16 3:00 AM
This is my third night being locked in the Mail Room. Luckily, no one has come to find me. I know they don’t have to though, I’ve seen a pink slip before.
Charlie Kelly received one in the Mail Room years ago and shipped it away to protect his job. Sadly, this tactic proved ineffective and he was forcibly removed from the room minutes after he re-sent it.There’s no telling how or when that slip will slip into this room.
I’ve barricaded the door with the Vending Machine, mail cart, and coffee maker to prevent anyone from entering. I’ve also prevented any mail from coming in by clogging the mail chutes with bubble wrap. No one’s sending me a pink slip today. Not ever.
9/16 12:00 PM
The mail chutes are going to burst. I repeat: THE MAIL CHUTES ARE GOING TO BURST. The bubble wrap isn’t going to hold. I fear for my life. I’m going to be buried in the makings of my employment. Oh the irony.
If I don’t make it through this, tell the Kitchenette Intern [this sentence has been erased]
9/16 12:30 PM
I’m going to make it through this.
The room is absolutely filled with mail. I can barely maneuver through it. I found a single envelope addressed to me amidst the flood of paper. But what’s in it? I’m afraid to know. I won’t open it.
9/16 2:30 PM
I opened it. And I have great news! This letter says that I am being promoted from MailRoom VP, straight past MailRoom CEO, all the way to co-head chef! How exciting! I’m gonna miss this old Mail Room, but I won’t be sharing my new office with that lazy Mail Room CEO. That is, if I ever get out of here. Crap.
I hear a knocking on the door. No, a banging. Thudding? What’s the distinction? Now there’s a big push. Yes, there’s a slack in the pile. The door must be open. I’m saved!
The door to the Mail Room was found open, envelopes and packing peanuts poured out onto the hall floor. No one knows who opened the door, and there’s no recorded video of the incident, as we obviously can’t afford security cameras. If you have any information on the Mailroom VP’s whereabouts, we urge you to send it to our email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Until the Mailroom VP is found, we will be using his account to post updates on the investigation, along with articles from our many interns to provide some comedic relief.
–Intern No. 92