In the Face of the Impending Election, Uncle Sam considers Doctor Assisted Suicide

As the infamous election day in November draws ever closer, the legendary Uncle Sam has revealed to the public that he has been consulting his doctor about his options for a doctor assisted suicide.

In order to even attempt such a procedure legally, Uncle Sam had to leave his home in Washington D.C. and travel across the country to California, one of the few states where such a procedure is permitted by the law. By law, one can only undertake the procedure if they’re suffering from a chronic illness. Uncle Sam is currently known to be suffering from 27, including Corruption (Scientific Name: Governus Corruptous), Scandals (Governus Scandalious), Political Parties (Governus Politicalia), and Sarah Palin (Governus Stupidus). Now, Uncle Sam has recently reported that he has been diagnosed with two new chronic and eventually fatal diseases known as Trump-itis (Donaldium Drumpfus) and Clinton-mydia (Femalia Hillaria). This of course comes right after Uncle Sam has finally managed to begin fighting off a bout of Baby Boomers he contracted in the late 40s.

Already, Uncle Sam has developed acute symptoms relating to each new illness. “My body feels like its fighting itself,” stated Sam in an interview. “One minute I’m uncontrollably spouting racial slurs, and the next I find myself making up lies about the contents of my emails. It’s driving me slowly insane.”

Uncle Sam has been struggling for months, not only physically but also mentally, ever since the loss of his beloved Lady Liberty in the year 1828 when Andrew Jackson was elected President. Even after recovering from the cold that plagued him from 1945 to 1991, old Uncle Sam has never been the same. Sources say that his health took a turn for the worse when the Monica Lewinsky scandal went down, but they note that he has entered an even more pronounced downward spiral in the year 2016.

The demise of each Martin O’ Malley and Marco Rubio in the presidential race was marked by a sudden drop in blood pressure within Sam’s body, and when Cruz and Kasich finally dropped it is reported that Uncle Sam suffered a stroke and had to be rushed into emergency surgery.

Although the doctors were obviously quite unwilling to even consider such a procedure as a lethal injection on the man who represents our great nation, they recognized that Uncle Sam had little hope for recovery in the coming years unless Gary Johnson somehow manages to pull a win out of his ass.

Friends and family rushed to support their Sammy in his decision, and in an official statement, they even went so far as to say that they were happy to see Uncle Sam go the way of Lady Britannia, who committed suicide following the results of the most recent Brexit vote.

The date of the suicide is scheduled for November 7, one day before election day, and all American citizens are invited and encouraged to attend. The Majestic Eagle of Liberty has agreed to fly overhead and emit 56 mighty caws, one for each of the men who signed the declaration of independence and hoped to create a nation that 240 years later would not be the train wreck that it is now. At least fifteen vendors have already gathered outside the California hospital where the event will take place, and they’re selling “Remember Uncle Sam” t-shirts and “Make America Great Again” hats.

God Bless ‘Murica.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

In the Face of the Impending Election, Uncle Sam considers Doctor Assisted Suicide

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