First Annual ‘Murica Monday Proclaimed a Total Failure

As spirit week kicked off this year, there was a resounding difference from the previous years. Strangely, Color Day, a longstanding favorite among the Greenville student body, was thrown out of spirit week, to be replaced by the first annual Nationalistic Brainwashing Day, or “‘Murica Monday” as it is known by the Greenville student body.

Basically the idea of ‘Murica Monday is simple, everyone wears red, white, and blue to commemorate our clear conceited superiority to all the Canadias and other pathetically inferior countries of the world. However, there is the small problem that with Kolby Caldwell now gone, Greenville’s American spirit is at an all-time low. With the exception of a few American flag headbands and one person in a patriotic suit who tried WAY too hard, most people simply did not love this country enough to dress appropriately. The day was filled with people who proclaimed their pride by showing off their red white and blue clothing, though in actuality they were simply trying to market their red Nike t-shirt, blue shoelaces, and the whiteness of their teeth as “patriotic.” I’m sure all the veterans who died for this country were really touched by such efforts.

Of course, ‘Murica Monday was further killed by the looming presence of the impending presidential debate, a speaking competition between the two worst people ever to be birthed out of America’s metaphorical womb (well actually this previous statement cannot be verified, we haven’t been able to get a hold of Trump’s birth certificate). Only time will tell if Hillary will finally reveal her true nature as a mechanical being, or if Trump will be able to keep up his angry racist persona when not on his Twitter account. Time will also only tell which method of death the American populace will choose, death by corruption scandals or death by nuclear war.

We regret to inform you that this first annual ‘Murica Monday will also be the last annual ‘Murica Monday, not because of its apparent unpopularity, but rather because there simply won’t be a country left to celebrate/become brainwashed by next year.

Limberbutt McCubbins for president.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

First Annual ‘Murica Monday Proclaimed a Total Failure

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