In a shocking turn of events, witnesses report that GRASS has been growing on Greenville’s lawn. It has been long thought by most reputable scientists that such a feat would be impossible, seeing as the soil in Greenville’s lawn is composed of a toxic mix of 85% asbestos and 15% left-over food from the Greenville cafeteria – which is possibly even more poisonous than the asbestos.
This of course comes as a shock, as it was long assumed that after Greenville tore up their own lawn in a hare-brained plot, nothing would ever be able to grow in that wasteland ever again. But shockingly, our reporters have been able to confirm the rumors: there IS grass starting to spout there.
Multiple scientists have weighed in their own opinions, and approximately 60% of scientists have agreed; the only possible explanation is that some advanced form of super grass has evolved.
Recently in the news there has been a great fear of superbugs, but now, super grass is the new greatest threat to humanity’s survival. If grass can actually grow in the shattered remains of Greenville’s back field, what is to prevent it from growing anywhere? In our schools? In our department stores? In our bathrooms? In Mr. Siebrecht’s perfectly maintained history room? If such a horrific incident like that could occur, what could possibly prevent the invasive super-grass from migrating to Siebrecht’s also perfectly maintained shiny bald scalp? All of society would certainly crumble if such an event were to occur, and Mr. Siebrecht would certainly lose his cookies.
Whatever you do Greenvillians, do not trust this mysterious grass. We’d recommend against walking on it, rolling on it, intensely staring at it, or eating it (yes we’re looking at you Broomcloset Sasquatch) until further scientific research can be acquired.