Trouble can often come in small packages in unexpected places. Accountant No. 12 and I often try to stretch our limited income to next payday by carpooling (a practice despised by the Broom Closet Sasquatch, as it still consumes gasoline). Our trips our often full of long awkward silences, short attempts at small talk (usually about the abysmal financial state of the Macaroni), and passive aggressive disputes over my choice in radio stations. We most often take these trips to grocery stores for clearance produce, or to shoplift the coveted KRAFT Macaroni and Cheese. Today while buying refreshments for the 1st Annual Candlelight Vigil to Find MailRoom VP (originally scheduled as his birthday party), my coworker and I were approached by an unfamiliar face.
While making my selection of bargain brand soda I heard the clatter of two shopping carts colliding, and turned to see a bearded man standing a few feet away. He apologized for bumping into our cart, and struck up some conversation. He introduced himself as Carl McKarleface, and behaved amicably at first. He recommended we try the grape soda, asked if we were new in town, and conversation eventually turned to what we do for a living. We explained that we work for a local super legit newspaper, and his smile disappeared.
“That’s interesting, I manage a local publication myself. You may have heard of it,” McKarleface said softly, a frightening grin spreading over his face. “It’s called…”
A chill went down both my and Accountant No. 12’s spines. During Macaroni Boot Camp, we had been warned of a mildly dark force, wielding incredibly subpar power. A man so ruthless, cold-hearted, and generally just kinda strange, that he has posed a threat to the Macaroni Report since day one. If we paid more attention in class we might have remembered the name from our notes, but we often distracted ourselves by writing articles for an anonymous satire news website, The Macaroon Report. In this moment however, we remembered the his name, the leader of our only true competition–
“The Maroon Report,” he finished. He knew who we were, as no other publication so proudly advertises their superlegitness as we do. We immediately switched gears into a Mexican-Standoff. Our survival lie in properly planning our escape, before McKarleface could make his move. Accountant No. 12 and I rolled backward out of the aisle, narrowly avoiding the shopping cart the Maroon titan had hurled towards us, and booked it toward the exit.
McKarleface’s crashing footfalls could be heard not too far behind us. The door was just within reach, but were delayed when the sliding door would not open. We pounded away at the glass, despite the angered shouts of TOPs workers to use the other exit. McKarleface walked closer slowly, and standing over us he uttered seven words before leaving:
“This will be in the Macaroni Report”
And despite our best intentions, it is.
-Intern No. 202/ Maroon Mind Control Victim No.2
Update on the search for MRVP:
We still don’t know where MailRoom VP has gone. All promising leads have gone nowhere, and we’re beginning to worry that we’ll have change up strategy if we ever hope to find him. As mentioned in the article, a candlelight vigil will be held, open to all Macaroni staff. Updates will follow.
Thank you for reading