Behold!!! The latest product from the laboratories that brought you amazing failures such as the Siebrecht Brand™ Headband and the Davidson Brand™ Hockey Mask, witness the amazing-ness of the Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat!!! This amazing hat is exactly the kind of hat that literally everyone needs!! It’s a hat shaped like a shark!!! Why would you need a hat shaped like a shark you may ask? Well…um…BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME!!! This hat is so cool that even the Greenville administration wouldn’t make you take it off. It’s got a few different amazing features that are completely patented and covered with ™ marks! First, the amazing Biology Knowledge™ Feature! This special function makes you 50% more knowledgeable in the area of biology when wearing the hat*, so that means you won’t fail that quiz tomorrow and have to face the wrath of Finch – that is if you wear the hat. The second revolutionary feature is the super-advanced Male Attract-er™ Function! Have you always wanted those guys to just be all over you like you’re Kim Kardashian? Well, with this Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat, that dream can finally become a reality! Studies have shown that when wearing the Shark Brand™ Shark Hat, you are 500% more likely to have male history teachers with thinning hair barge into your room and start screwing with your stuff**. Add these two epic features on top of the fact that it looks like your face is getting eaten by a shark (badass), and you have one epic-ly awesome Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat! And if you still aren’t convinced that this product is well worth your time, here’s a picture of last year’s salutatorian Sean McAneny, happy and content wearing the Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat on his head.
So you see, if the Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat can please even last year’s salutatorian and running legend Sean McAneny, it can definitely please you!!!! Order today and get it for only one easy payment of a Thela Brand™ Wobbly Podium (they’re in high demand among science teachers as of late).
*Effects only noticeable if subject is known to have some degree of intelligence before wearing the hat.
**Alternatively, Studies show that if you want to keep male history teachers with thinning hair away from you, the Siebrecht Brand™ Head Band is the way to go.
***Please ignore the penis on top of Sean’s head and only pay attention to his happy smile and the Sharkey Brand™ Shark Hat.