Well Macaroni readers, we all know that the dreaded day in November is fast approaching, and it’s likely that a large number of you are just as confused as this author as to what the fuck is going on this year in our political world. So, we thought we could maybe help you out, and we (by we I mean I, of course) put our noggins together to create this quiz, which tells you exactly which candidate you should vote for in simple terms. Amazing, right?
Below you can find a series of questions relating to major policy issues and such. Below each will be five different opinions to the answer of that question. Pick whichever answer is closest to your own opinion on the issue, and then at the end our advanced question formulator thingy will use your answers to determine which Presidential candidate is closest to you on the key issues. Easy right? Okay let’s get this thing started, simply click below to begin our quiz!
1.) What should we do to help end the civil war in Syria, in particular bringing peace to the city of Aleppo?
A.) Since all Muslims are obviously terrorists, I advocate that we simply nuke the city of Syria and be done with this.
B.) I haven’t checked the latest polls on what the American consensus is, so therefore I don’t want to answer that question right now.
C.) What is Aleppo?
D.) I honestly only care about the fact that right now the Syrian civil war is harming trees in the area, so therefore I vote we exterminate all human life in the region and just leave the plant and animal life to flourish in peace without disgusting humans getting in the way.
E.) I don’t know I’m too busy getting sick to my stomach over our current election prospects.
2.) What is your opinion on illegal immigration and whether or not we should further secure our border with Mexico?
A.) All Mexicans are rapists, murderers, and terrorists. We need to deport all current illegal (insert racial slur here) aliens immediately and then build ourselves a big-ass wall. And make Mexico pay for it.
B.) I want all Latinos to like me, so therefore I will say that we should accept these undocumented workers and make them citizens, and I’m not just saying that because I want them to like me.
C.) I’m really sorry, but I haven’t been brushed up on my geography lately, could you please explain to me where Mexico is?
D.) I think that we should exterminate all of Mexico, because the less people there are the more room there is for TREES.
E.) What is this stupid shit about a wall? We shouldn’t hate Latinos, how is this an actual issue in this election? My God make it end.
3.) What is your opinion on the Iran Nuclear Deal?
A.) It’s the single worst deal made in all of history, and I’m not just saying that because Hilary Clinton negotiated it.
B.) It’s the single best deal made in all of history, and I’m not just saying that because Hilary Clinton negotiated it.
C.) I’m sorry, but I’m having an Aleppo moment, what is Iran again?
D.) This deal is total shit, the Iranians shouldn’t be using unsustainable Nuclear power they should be using renewable energy like solar power or wind power, because of this Iranians don’t deserve to live.
E.) I don’t know the news never bothers to do it’s job and actually tell me what the deal is, somebody help and please tell me what’s going on. Our world is gonna die this election.
4.) What is your opinion on Donald Trump’s hairstyle?
A.) He has the best hairstyle, simply the best, and he probably hires the best people to prep it for him. All other hairstyles are for losers.
B.) I’m not gonna openly insult him, but I’m just saying that if I was talking to the man I would bait him into attacking me and then play the ‘poor pitiful me’ card.
C.) Wait, wait, wait, hold on, could somebody explain to me who Donald Trump is?
D.) He’s ugly and all, but can we please talk about something important like the ENVIRONMENT????
E.) Aren’t we supposed to base elections on things such as policies instead of who looks the best??? Why is this a fucking issue???? This election is so fucked up!!!!
5.) What is your opinion on global warming? How much should we do to combat it?
A.) Global warming is a myth created by and for the Chinese.
B.) I think that we should do some reasonable things like use wind power and stuff. *flashes creepy smile*
C.) Hmmmm I’m not sure that I understand, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard this term global warming before.
D.) GLOBAL WARMING IS GONNA KILL US ALL SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.
E.) Global warming isn’t good, but I don’t know about this issue because the media is too busy covering what Donald Trump said on his twitter account today instead of actually reporting on serious stuff like this. Fuck you, CNN.
6.) What do you think should be done to heal the racial divide between African-Americans in particular, but also other minorities, and white Caucasians in America?
A.) It is a well known fact that laziness is a trait in the blacks, and because of that they don’t contribute to society by getting jobs and things. Therefore I think that we should re-institute segregation and eventually slavery. Also I think that David Duke should be our secretary of state.
B.) Personally, I’d say a lot of vague statements that sound good, but don’t really make me commit to anything. That will probably soothe everybody. All we have to do is pretend that we care.
C.) I’m sorry but I’m somewhat confused. Where exactly is Africa-America?
D.) Blacks, whites, I hate both of them. They’re awful colors. Personally the only color I like is green, the color of the clearly superior plants.
E.) Why can’t we all just not hate each other and not racially discriminate? Why can’t we have a president that actually cares about these issues?
7.) If you were president, what would you do to solve income inequality in America?
A.) The current state of income inequality is horrible, horrible. Like 60% of the money in America is divided between 1% of the population, while in reality that 60% should all belong to me. I’m literally the best, the best at everything, the best to ever live, so therefore it should all belong to me.
B.) Well since there are more voting poor people in America than there are voting rich people, I would probably spout a bunch of rhetoric about helping the poor and all that in order to get people to vote for me, and then actually take bribes from big businesses so that I can make tons of money out of the public eye. I’d of course delete all my email servers so that no evidence can ever be found.
C.) President? Does anyone happen to have a dictionary? I forget what a president is.
D.) I’d reform us back into the stone age so that we’re truly equal to all animals once again. I’d also exterminate poor people, since poverty is the largest cause of harm to the environment.
E.) I’d do my best to try and make everyone happy and help this country, something that I wish literally anyone currently running for president would also try to do.
8.) Do you think that Marijuana should be legalized?
A.) Marijuana is for losers. Winners like me don’t smoke weed, only losers like Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. Am I answering this question? Of course not, since when do I give a direct answer to any question.
B.) Well, I’m no Bernie Sanders, but if it will make all those ex-Bernie-supporters happy, then sure.
C.) I’m high right now.
D.) Marijuana is a plant, clearly a superior life-form to humanity. What we should actually be doing is illegalizing humanity, because they’re fucking disgusting pigs. *gently kisses potted geranium*
E.) I don’t know, can’t we like conduct some studies on the effects legalization would have on our society like any normal rational human being would do instead of jumping to conclusions and being an idiot?
9.) Do you think that Obama was born in this country? Is he legal?
A.) Anyone with half a brain knows that Obama is a Muslim terrorist born in Kenya, he should be deported. Actually, screw that, he should be executed.
B.) Nah, he’s cool, Obama is my homeboy. That is what cool kids say nowadays, right?
C.) I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Obama before, or else I’m just forgetting. Sorry, I do that a lot. Have you noticed? You’ve definitely noticed. Are you judging me? You’re definitely judging me.
D.) I don’t care where he’s from, I care that his mere existence is harming the environment and therefore he should be MURDERED!!!!
E.) Why is this even an issue, he has a fucking birth certificate.
10.) What do you think about China?
A.) China is our number one enemy. Now I’m not saying that we should nuke them, because I’m a winner and I don’t say loser things like that, but I’m not saying that we shouldn’t nuke them either, you get what I’m saying?
B.) Well, when dealing with China, we should put up a strong front to intimidate them. However, if it was me in office, I’d probably just take some bribes and let them do whatever the hell they want.
C.) I can’t think anything about China, seeing as I don’t know what China is.
D.) CHINA NEEDS TO DIE, THEY ARE POLLUTING THE ENVIRONMENT AND KILLING TIGERS, DEATH TO THE CHINESE!!!
E.) We should negotiate with them and make smart decisions, you know what, why isn’t somebody like me running for president instead of these fuck-ups.
11.) What do you think about the controversy over Hillary Clinton’s emails, should she be indicted?
A.) Hillary Clinton belongs in jail for the rest of her life, she doesn’t deserve indictment, she deserves to be arrested immediately and put in jail without a trial. Screw constitutional rights.
B.) What emails? *Casually glances at laptop and clicks the delete button*
C.) Emails? What are these emails you speak of? Is there something going on here that I’m not aware of? Also who is this Hillary Clinton person?
D.) EVERY EMAIL SENT CAUSES EXACTLY 2.3 ATOMS OF GREENHOUSE GASES TO BE EMITTED INTO THE AIR, YES SHE DESERVES TO BE INDICTED SHE ALSO DESERVES DEATH!!!!
E.) Honestly sounds like she’s pretty corrupt, and this is the person who I have to pick if I don’t want Trump to win, what happened to democracy?
12.) Recently, Donald Trump has made many comments against women that have been considered by a majority of the populace to be sexist and derogatory, what is your opinion on these comments?
A.) Donald Trump isn’t a sexist, he’s merely stating the truth. All the women on the Apprentice could credit their successes to their looks, Rosie O’Donnell really is a fat slob, and Hillary just isn’t enough of a biological male to actually hold the presidential office.
B.) I’m a woman.
C.) Women? What is women? Is that in Syria too?
D.) The only Trump quote that has ever made me angry is “GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH CREATED BY AND FOR THE CHINESE.”
E.) Trump is both a racist and a sexist, my God, I can’t believe that I’m actually gonna have to pick between him and Clinton in November.
13.) Everyone knows that there was a major scandal under the Bill Clinton administration over his involvement with other women besides Hillary Clinton. Do you think that Bill Clinton is a sex offender and/or a general creep?
A.) People like Bill are so disgusting, I mean just look at him he’s ugly. I think we should lock Bill in jail and throw away the key. If not for his ugliness, for the fact that he’s a disgusting pig loser.
B.) I’d marry Bill in a second, he’s a fucking stallion.
C.) I’m kind of confused what you’re asking, maybe it would help if you could tell me the meanings of the words Bill Clinton, scandal, and sex.
D.) We have bigger problems namely TTTTRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
E.) Bill is kind of a creep, I mean he cheated on his wife with some super young interns, how can we even consider letting this guy back into the White House?
14.) In your opinion, who is the healthiest candidate, and why?
A.) It’s clearly Donald Trump. That doctor spent five whole minutes writing a report about how he’s the healthiest candidate ever.
B.) It’s clearly Hillary Clinton. Oh hey look, here come’s Hillary, completely healthy and pneumonia-free! *gestures to cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton*
C.) Candidates? Candidates for what? What were we talking about again?
D.) I don’t care about candidate health I CARE ABOUT THE HEALTH OF THE ENVIRONMENT!!!!
E.) Since when the hell do we elect presidents based on their health records, I’m seriously scared for the future of this country if this is how the American populace is planning on choosing their president.
15.) In recent times, there have been massive numbers of refugees fleeing from various conflicts in their home countries, and from Syria in particular. Should America accept Syrian refugees into the country?
A.) They’re probably all ISIS converts anyway, we should just genocide them.
B.) I say we should show sympathy and let them in. Hey look! Sympathy, a human emotion. I understand emotions, I am a human, ha, sympathy.
C.) Into what country?
D.) NO. NO MORE HUMANITY. JUST TREES. TREEEEEEEEEEESSSSS.
E.) Sorry don’t mind me I’m just sitting here not paying attention hyperventilating into a bag because this election is gonna kill America.
16.) What is your opinion on Gun control?
A.) Because it is the constitutional right of every American to own a gun, I vote that we cram them down the throat of every American within the United States, and hand them out at elementary schools.
B.) Guns are bad. The gun lobbyists only support Republicans, so therefore guns are bad.
C.) How do I gun.
D.) EVERY 10,000 GUNS PRODUCED LEADS TO ENOUGH POLLUTION TO KILL ONE SMALL BEETLE THEY ARE HORRIBLE NO MORE GUNS!!!!!
E.) Oh God, I’m having a panic attack someone please help me.
17.) Recently there has been multiple controversies over whether or not Transgender people should be able to use bathrooms that correspond to their gender identity. What is your opinion?
A.) Transgender people are losers, why would anyone ever want to become a woman, women are losers, and they do disgusting things like breastfeed in public.
B.) I think that Transgender people are great. I love them because the majority of them vote Democratic.
D.) BATHROOMS SHOULD BE DESTROYED EVERY TIME YOU FLUSH A TOILET IT WASTES LIKE A GALLON OF WATER THAT NOW HAS TO GO THROUGH THE WATER CYCLE AGAIN JUST SHIT IN THE WOODS YOU SAVAGES!!!!!!!!!
E.) Why do we have to hate on people so much? Can this election just be over yet? Please.
18.) What should the president do to protect us from terrorism at home?
A.) Since all Muslims, Mexicans, African-Americans, Native Americans, Latinos, Immigrants, Hawaiians, Eskimos, and Women are obviously terrorists, they should be kept under constant surveillance, and if they do anything even remotely suspicious, we ship em to a gulag.
B.) I say we use firm words to intimidate the terrorists, but in actuality do nothing.
C.) Weed? Is the answer weed? I’m pretty sure its weed.
D.) *continues to scream TREES!! until all of your blood vessels are literally bursting*
E.) Somebody just shoot me now.
If you picked mostly A’s, you should vote for….
It seems that Donald Trump perfectly represents all of your racist, bigoted attitudes. You should vote for Trump because you’re literally in love with his hairstyle, you hate all Muslims, and are worried about some Mexicans coming to rape your daughter. You’re kind of a nutjob – screw it, you ARE a nutjob – and you’re gonna reveal this secret to everyone when you vote for Trump. Actually no you won’t, most likely everyone knows already because there is a 90% chance that you’re decked out in your Make America Great Again gear right now.
If you picked mostly B’s, you should vote for….
As a human being who is clearly not an emotion-less robot, Hilary just really resonates with you on a deeper level. You’re definitely not going to vote for her solely based on the fact that she is a female. You’re also definitely not going to vote for her solely based on the fact that she is not Trump. That makes you one of the like literally five voters who is voting for Hillary Clinton because they actually like who Hillary is. Also you have selective amnesia when it comes to Hillary’s emails.
If you picked mostly C’s, you should vote for….
Honestly we were gonna put something here about how you and Gary are similar but we forgot what it was.
If you picked mostly D’s, you should vote for….
You, like Jill, are obsessed with trees. Trees, plants, animals, nature, whatever, you love it. Meanwhile you hate humanity and would probably rather see humans wiped from the face of the earth. Seriously, you are one annoying person. Tone it down, tree-hugger.
If you picked mostly E’s, you should vote for….
You might as well just start tying yourself a noose now.