Macaroni Politics: Poll shows that most cats quite offended by Trump’s “grab em by the pussy” comments

It seems that Donald Trump just shot himself in the foot again. As an old interview of the Donald resurfaced, bringing to light his most recent inflammatory remarks, specifically his remark about how he can use his celebrity status to acquire women and can simply “grab em by the pussy”, the latest polls reveal that the majority of felines are quite offended by this statement. It seems that Trump is struggling in yet another demographic that is not made up of white male humans. This could be just what Hillary needs to retain a healthy lead in her bid for the white house.

It is a well known fact, of course, that cats do not understand the English language, or most other human languages for that matter. This means that cats are unable to grasp the concept of human vulgar slang terms or curse words. However, a totally-legit scientist we ordered out of the Dominican Republican named Dominique (formerly known for masquerading as a cat “trainer” somewhere in very southern Florida) claimed to be able to communicate with felines and relay information. This of course would allow us at the Macaroni to ground-breakingly interview cats on their political convictions for the first time in human history, so we decided to let Dominique do his thing and measure the results.

We quickly scrapped together a polling group of ten cats: Waffles, Mittens, Fluffykins, Napawleon, Fish-head, Mr. Whiskers, Fluffy, Snowball, Terminator 9000, and Mr. Snuffleupagus. Then, we sat the cats sit in front of a TV playing Donald’s damning 2005 interview while Dominique translated using a series of hisses, meows, and semi-affectionate headbutts. After the interview translation was complete, we asked each cat where they stood in the current election. And boy did we get some spirited results.

When asked his opinion, Waffles proceeded to vomit up a hairball onto the carpet, for he couldn’t manage to stomach the horrific implication that the quickest way into a woman’s pants was to grab their feline companions; when asked the same question, Snowball collapsed to the floor and rolled over, the stress of this crazy election being simply too much to bear. Even the tough-hearted Mr. Whiskers couldn’t take it, and he simply dashed out of the room with no apparent destination in mind.

Not all of the cats were offended of course – when Fluffykins was asked, he appeared to be rather disinterested in the subject matter, instead eyeing a small beetle that happened to be scurrying across the floor.

Mittens, so horribly distraught by the Donald’s comments, proceeded to take out her anger on others, leaping upon  Terminator 9000 and biting him with all of her might – it seemed that Termy, as he is known, couldn’t live up to his name. Meanwhile, Fish-head used his paw to wash his face, obviously in the hopes that he could remove the stain upon his soul inflicted by Trump unto him and all of feline-kind.

So basically, our study of 10 felines quite clearly demonstrates that the majority, practically all, of the cats in America find Trump’s recent “locker-room banter” to be degrading and offensive. We at the Macaroni would like to take the moment to personally denounce Trump – we do not condone the idea that cats are merely tokens of women’s affections to be used as tools for overbearing celebrities like Trump to get laid, when in actuality they are individuals with feelings and lives. Oh yeah, and we also denounce how he blatantly thinks he can just grope and screw any woman he encounters on the street. Guy is a douche-bag.

Current polls show that if the Don doesn’t start appealing to other voting groups besides backwoods hicks and KKK wizards soon, he’s bound to lose to Hilary Clinton, so he better pick up the pace and stop offending new voting blocks by the hour. He certainly won’t be getting the feline vote, for most of these offended felines will now switch their vote to the Democatic party, and their nominee for this year’s election, Limberbutt McCubbins.

Hopefully Donald can get his shit together and finally stop being a racist misogynistic scumbag, but since we just found out that he thinks his daughter is “a nice piece of ass,” we doubt it’ll be happening anytime soon (These comments of course threatens Donald’s chances to win votes from the asses of America, who are quite offended by the implication that they are merely something to be stared at and judged on size. Many flat-asses are calling out Donald on his body shaming of them).

For all the latest news on politics (excluding debates, because we’re not even gonna dare open THAT can of worms) keep it here on the Macaroni.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

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Macaroni Politics: Poll shows that most cats quite offended by Trump’s “grab em by the pussy” comments

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