So, you might already think you’re well aware of your own capacity for leadership, battling the serpentine bourgeoisie, and effortlessly firing interns. But you’re not. Trust us. Luckily for you, we here at the Macaroni Report have developed a foolproof way to test if you have what it takes to lead our great super-legit nation news enterprise. You’re welcome. It’s so foolproof, we’ve already received several offers from the government to use it as a basis for the selection of future candidates for president of the United States.
This works just like any other quiz, so we won’t waste our time talking down to you and explaining the rules, because if you really need them explained, then quite frankly I can give you your results right here: definitely not.
1.Things have been a bit slow at the Macaroni recently. How would you motivate your employees?
A) Get eaten by the Furnace Dragon, to lead by example and show your subordinates what true loyalty to the Macaroni looks like.
B) Remind everyone that we’re all in this together! I mean, it’s understandable you’re all busy, since due to the wages [Editor’s note: the average hourly rate for a Macaroni employee is currently $0 U.S.D. and $-.50 C.A.D.] many staff members have been forced to the part time servitude within the Cult of Siebrecht. But come on guys, we’re not some sort of Maroon Report- we can do this!
C) Play the Harambe tribute song through the office intercom system to remind everyone that He died for us, and it is the duty of all of us to do the best we can to avenge him and bring justice back into this cruel, cruel world.
D) Hum quietly.
E) Issue a decree that each member of the Macaroni must cover one of what mainstream media labels “conspiracy” “theories” (aka the hidden facts of life) per week, in addition to continuing coverage on the War On The Elderly (not to mention chipmunks) and featured flora. On your own time, you will strive to inspire them with a new column, Kill The Humans, an ongoing saga about why people are the worst, and what readers can do to help combat this growing infestation of global corruption.
F) Abuse your power and start posting a slew of articles under the moniker of an innocent (albeit deranged and borderline genocidal) employee that go against their principal values and bring down the wrath of even loonier cyber-goons, before finally giving up and declaring the whole operation dead and buried.
2. A coworker/lover of yours mysteriously vanishes the very day you two are supposed to claim your co-throne. You:
A) Are promptly eaten by the Furnace Dragon.
B) Immediately launch a search party for him as your first official act as Co-Chef, although everyone just thinks your determined meowing means you want to be scratched behind the ears some more which-hey, that’s actually pretty nice. What were you doing again?
C) Have also disappeared without a trace, as if whisked away on the overnight express.
D) Hum quietly.
E) Officially close the mail room, and all paper-related Macaroni pursuits, including the paper-airplane division of the Macaroni Space Program. In fact, you close down that too, and aggressively compost all evidence it had ever existed.
F) Do nothing.
3. Offices have gotten very cold recently, but there isn’t enough money to upgrade the boiler to something that actually produces heat on its own, rather than relying on the fiery spoutings of a living creature. How do you solve this?
A) Who says it needs solving? The boiler room is doing great on its own. The sick burns that come out of this place will keep us warm! [Editor’s note: there is no record of any “sick burns” coming from the boiler room since the absence of the Furnace Dragon]
B) Let’s all hug to keep each other warm! Yay friendship!
C) Use mail as fuel, as the mail room has been doing for years. Problem solved.
D) Hum quietly.
E) Well, Earth is already about to heat up thanks to humans, so what’s even the point? If they care so much, everyone should just let their body hair grow out, and bingo, nature’s winter coat.
F) Make Canadian jokes in a desperate hope that the Furnace Dragon will return before the entire office is encased in ice.
4. Which quote really speaks to you?
A) “(*Duck face stance*)”-Stephen Siebrecht
B)“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”-George Carlin
C) “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”-USPS Creed
D) “Change is inevitable- except from a vending machine.”-Robert Gallagher
E) “People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do.” -George W. Bush
F) “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” -Orson Welles
5. An intern overhears someone discussing the identities of the Macaroni staff. What do you do?
A) Attempt to run away from your concerns, as ingrained within you during your time in servitude to the Cult of Siebrecht, but end up just getting eaten by the Furnace Dragon.
B) Contemplate the situation, but get distracted when startled by the sound of someone in Cairo sneezing.
C) Continue to be missing.
D) Hum quietly.
E) Follow them home, lurking in the woods. When they hear a rustling noise and spot you conspicuously looming in the trees overhead, look them directly in the eyes and creepily wink.
F) Do nothing.
6. What’s an International Update?
A) Who cares?
B) Who knows?
C) I’m sorry, I was too busy
sniffing stamps doing the sacred work of the USPS, what was the question?
E) What’s Aleppo?
F) A super important running tally of not spam countries that totally read the Macaroni Report that everyone is highly invested in and riveted by.
7. You find yourself unexpectedly trapped, Mexican stand-off style, by the bearded leader of the Maroon Report. How do you escape?
A) Pray for the sweet release of death.
B) Make polite small talk while quietly edging away, maintaining eye contact as not to reveal any indication of intimidation.
C) Ninja roll away towards the nearest door, and desperately pound upon it despite the cries of indignant Tops drones that it’s the wrong door.
D) Feel a scampering deep within you, as if someone is trying to ninja roll away towards the nearest door, and desperately pound upon it despite the cries of indignant Tops drones that it’s the wrong door. Hum quietly.
E) Climb atop the shelves, a pack of protein bars under each unkempt appendage, and hurl the fiber-rich little fuckers at him until he retreats back to the tattooed trenches he crawled from.
F) Attempt to pull some karate nonsense on him, but instead slip on the mud that slicks the floor of every Greenvillian establishment where work boots are allowed to roam free.
8. What’s your favorite type of food?
C) Mail-order macaroni.
D) Not sure if I can eat, but macaroni.
E) All natural macaroni.
F) Corn dogs, like the disgusting heretic I am.
If you got mostly A:
Honestly, you’ve got more pressing matters on your hands, like survival. Also, it seems to be that you’re suffering from some residual brainwashing from a Siebrechtian cult, so you might want to get that sorted out before your bid for office.
You would be an excellent Head Chef. In fact, you will succeed in anything you do. With your excellent choice of pets and acute sense of compassion, it’s a wonder you’re not already in office. Don’t listen to those who try to intimidate you with noise, light, and any sort of movement whatsoever. Go get ‘em.
Wow, if you aren’t Head Chef already, you really should be. You’re a natural.
There’s definitely potential here, like deep within you there is a chef waiting to claim their throne. However, it does also seem like you’d be perfectly content continuing as you are.
People misunderestimate you, but you’re the type to have a definitive manifesto of ideals you will impart on those you rule. However, you work best as a lone, rogue, eccentric wolf. You would do well with a small domain, like a following of gophers. Anything bigger, though, and we strongly suspect you’d end up doing something drastic like, say, bombing NASA.
I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t seem possible. With your avian limitations and Orwellian tendencies, it would be safer for everyone if you stayed somewhere like a kitchen, or even a kitchenette. Perhaps you’d be better off pursuing a career in dance instead.
Well, there you go folks. No need to thank me, but you’re welcome anyway.