Today Greenville executed it’s first ever Emergency Self-Warming drill, and the thing was a total failure. For those of you uninformed citizens, an Emergency Self-Warming Drill is like a fire drill but there is no fire and you are thrust into below freezing weather without any form of protection from the elements. As one may guess, the self-warming abilities of the Greenville student body we’re QUITE inadequate.
So basically how it went down; halfway through fourth period the dastardly Mr. Hilgendorf pulled the “fire” alarm, and sent tons of young Greenvillians rushing headlong and unprepared straight into absolute zero. The premise was simple; make the students stand out there until they demonstrated proficiency in keeping themselves warm enough to maintain normal bodily functions.
Of course, even the iron will of the Greenville administration started to crumble when they watched the Greenville students pathetic attempts to warm their freezing bodies. While the administration had hoped that they would make fire, or at least crawl into a dead animal carcass or two, they were shocked to see the stupid students adopt ridiculously futile strategies such as huddling together and shivering uncontrollably.
The Greenville administration eventually issued a return to base order when they noticed certain Greenvillians beginning to drop silently to the ground. The students used their last remaining bits of energy not sapped away by the freezing cold conditions to make the return trip to the school doors. But the after effects of this disaster are still being felt. At least five frostbitten bodies were left in that parking lot, and likely won’t be able to be thawed out until next spring.
So basically, if this incident is telling of anything, it’s that when the next movie in the Ice Age franchise comes out, (Ice Age 6: The Refreezing), all of Greenville is gonna die off. So enjoy the rest of your pitifully short life Greenville, because you’ll die the next time when we actually have to leave the building and head out straight into a full blown Nor’easter.
P.S. (One unlucky student actually asked if the Maroon Dictator could give him a hug in an attempt to conserve warmth. The Maroon Report’s Dictator’s response? He said “That would be a horrible idea. I’m cold blooded and my nose would just be ramming into your sternum.” Well said Maroon Dictator, well said.)