In his latest blunder, an obviously stoned Gary Johnson (Libertarian party candidate) has declared that if he loses the election, the election has been rigged against him. When asked who exactly was rigging the election against him, he said “Trump, Russians, William Shatner, and the little green men who live on top of Mount Everest and run the gun lobbies.”
While it is well known fact that sadly the Macaroni Report is not cared enough about to get an interview with even the likes of Gary Johnson (I know, right) this election, we were able to tag along to a CNN interview with him. Had this been a normal candidate, we would have noticed right off the bat that there was something amiss, but I mean Gary’s natural state is staring off into the distance with his tongue hanging out while talking, so we just wrote it off as normal third party weirdness*. However, we started to suspect the truth when Gary started grabbing at the air and asking what Arnold Schwarzenegger was doing floating there.
Of course, everyone has joked about Gary being high in the past – after all, he literally owns his own weed company** – but it’s really an eye opener when Gary responds to the questions “What will you do to fix our current debt problem?” with “Global Warming was created by and for the Chinese” (in response, Jill Stein, yet another candidate that no one cares about, has assured the US public that her first act as POTUS will be to crucify Johnson).
Of course, not everything was quite so extreme, but when Gary, who is polling at 6% currently, believes that the system is rigged against him if he doesn’t win, you know something is up.
We of course brought up the topic of whether or not Gary is just playing spoiler; in response to this, he jumped up and started shouting about the media misquoting him and favoring Crooked Hillary before settling down and returning to his blank-eyed stupor.
Throughout the night, Gary began to say more and more outrageous things. Shortly after asking if the interviewer’s real name was Jason Bourne (Jesus Christ, it wasn’t Jason Bourne), he asserted that NAFTA was the single worst trade deal ever made in history. Later, he even went so far as to ask what Canadian province he was currently in, literally just after proclaiming Rosie O’Donald a nasty woman. And when asked if he could name a foreign leader that he actually likes, Gary started flapping his arms and making dolphin noises before describing his close relationship with Vladimir Putin built upon their bonding time backstage at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. Johnson was clearly getting more outrageous by the minute.
One reporter even claims that he saw Gary bleaching his hair blond out back after the interview and applying an entire bottle of bright orange spray tan.
Well clearly, this election is not a choice between the lesser of two evils but rather the lesser of three evils, as we are forced to choose between The Donald, Crooked Hillary, and a man who thinks he is 50% walrus if his statements at this most recent interview are to be believed (for those of you saying “hey, what about Jill Stein?”, she’s so awful that she isn’t even a consideration).
So to the end this painfully long article, we’ll leave you with Gary Johnson’s latest campaign slogan: “When they go low, we get high.”
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