Dozens of Countries Preemptively Close Borders to American Refugees

Election day is tomorrow and America is on the edge of its seat. We’re all anxiously awaiting to see which way the teetering sanity of the United States will finally fall. However, regardless of which candidate is elected, a familiar threat is being heard among voters.

We asked voters what they would do in the event of certain candidates taking the election. Here’s what a few of them had to say:

“If Trump is elected I’m moving to Canada.” –John Jackson, Hillary Supporter

“If Hillary gets voted in, I’m heading to Europe.” –Jack Johnson, Trump Supporter

“If Johnson becomes president… well…” *unrestrained laughter.* –No name given, too busy laughing

(No one even bothered to entertain the idea of President Jill Stein)

Are these things we’ve heard every election? Yes, but this election hasn’t been developing quite like all of the others.

Due to the nature of what is being perceived as “the most batshit election in American History,” several foreign nations have been taking such sentiments more seriously. Many foreign representatives are stepping up in defiance of the predicted American diaspora.

“No Americans Allowed” signs are being hung in small businesses throughout all 7 continents (yes, that includes Antarctica). The American Airline Industry is all but shutting down, as very few countries will be accepting flights. The few countries retaining open borders are among the likes of Australia and Poland, countries no self-respecting American would want to live. But then again, America has been pretty lacking in self-respect lately.

To restrict passage through their land borders, Canada and Mexico have begun construction on their own walls. “We can’t have those Murcans coming into our home and stealing our healthcare and Tim Horton’s,” says Canadian citizen, John Gordon. On the matter, Mexican President, Enrique Nieto, declared, with exasperation, “We will not build Trump’s f***ing wall. But that doesn’t mean we won’t build our own. We can’t have any Merks coming in just because they’re unhappy with their country.”

Truly, it will be a grave time for America. Not only will we be unhappy with our new president, but there is no one to blame but ourselves. We will be forced to take responsibility for our mistakes, a fate worse than death for many Americans. But who am I kidding, we’ll find something to blame.

Good luck, America.

–Intern No. 872

Dozens of Countries Preemptively Close Borders to American Refugees

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