NHS Collects New Batch of Oblivious Human Slaves

Yet again, the NHS has exercised its sinister powers to acquire a new supply of human labor. A group of unsuspecting Juniors and a few Seniors participated were inducted last night. While the crowd of proud parents applauded, the thin cackle of the Lizard Illuminati’s Head of Human Resources, Mr. Albright, could be heard mixed in among cheers and clapping. Here are the steps these students took to add the prestigious cult to their resumes.


Prior to the ceremony, the students were asked to dress well for the occasion. They arrived at the building looking spiffy, complimenting each other on their selection of stylish shoes and ties. Almost immediately, they were told by an NHS official, “Cover your ssssstylish outfitsssss with these robesssss.”

This should have been the first red flag. Any organization that asks you to wear a robe to get in is typically not something that you want to be a part of. This advice was the only thing that kept me from joining my Neighborhood Watch. Dodged a few bullets there.

Name Listing:

The victims candidates were introduced, in alphabetical order, paired randomly with an upperclassman member of the NHS. In the darkened backstage, before their guiding stroll onto the stage, the second-year members tried to whisper warnings to the inductees. Sadly, the hushed urgency of “you should get out of here” is easily misunderstood when it comes from the person leading you out from behind a curtain.


One of the staples of horror media is the use of candles. So it came as a real surprise when no one tore out of the auditorium after the 4-candle-set first came out. More disconcerting was the fact that people still sat watching, while the candles were lit with ceremony and narrated symbolism.


The candidates were then asked to put their good ol’ John Hancock into the NHS’ dusty ol’ Ophidianomicon, in front of their family and peers. 27 students, one by one, signed away their everlasting academic souls without even reading the contract, a plot thread so overdone you don’t even see it in bad sitcoms anymore. Am I supposed to believe that these American teenagers have never watched TV? How is the NHS still getting away with this?


Okay, everyone who attends a public school is expected to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every day. So maybe, if this was the only instruction these poor students needed to follow, we could understand their willingness. The pledge is even pretty full of good stuff: serving your community and loving your school and whatever.

But this pledge followed the previously mentioned aspects, and included some questionable phrases. What is ambiguous about “I will work hard to support this shady organization” or “I will keep the lizard children’s bellies full of plastic?” The second-year members could barely hold back their frustrated tears.


What? You think there’s nothing evil about photography. You and I know very well that that stuff sucks out your soul. Smile for the camera, Honey!

Well, what can we say? The lizard hordes are as unstoppable as the Republican Party. And their rise to power is almost as frustrating to watch unfold. Normally, I would try to remain optimistic. Dream about a great revolution to overthrow the Lizard bourgeoisie, proving there’s still some good left in the world. But my hopeful spirit is still recovering from yesterday.

Thanks for hissing.

–Intern No. 222

NHS Collects New Batch of Oblivious Human Slaves

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