You know the drill. Answer these questions and there is a 100% chance we totally guessed what person you are. And if none of these match you, well then get off of our website.
1.) What is your favorite food?
A.) I subsist solely on a diet of dank memes.
B.) Corn dogs
C.) Fancy Feast.
D.) I don’t eat.
E.) Anything, as long as it was mailed.
F.) Human flesh.
G.) I eat hashbrowns like a savage.
2.) If you could have one wish, what would you wish for?
A.) I would want to learn the sacred origins of the meme.
B.) Unlimited food and unlimited power.
C.) The ability to not have a seizure every time the lights flicker.
D.) Peace and solitude.
E.) Mail, mail, and more mail.
F.) The extinction of humanity.
G.) To be four inches taller.
3.) What do you feel about our current political climate?
A.) I don’t care as long as I’m legally allowed to stay under this blanket and search dank memes.
B.) Too busy eating to care.
C.) I supported Limberbutt McCubbins during the recent election.
D.) Don’t care.
E.) As long as mailmen are still around, I don’t really care.
F.) I hate all humanity equally so it doesn’t really matter.
G.) I literally moved to Canadia to get away from this shit.
4.) How often do you write for the Macaroni Report?
A.) I founded the Macaroni Report/I founded the Macaroni Report Troy Branch/Never.
B.) Literally like all the time.
C.) Every once in a while, maybe to celebrate the new school year and such.
D.) Like once ever.
E.) Fairly often.
F.) Only when I feel the need to spite the Kitchenette Intern.
G.) Every once in a while I send a distress signal from Canadia.
5.) Where do you want to live and why?
A.) Next to the nearest outlet and WiFi box.
B.) That pizza restaurant down the road.
C.) Inside a cardboard box.
D.) Don’t care.
E) In the mailroom beneath the Macaroni offices indefinitely.
F.) In the woods under a rock.
G.) Canadia. [Editor’s Note: Please do not pick Canadia.]
6.) You encounter an insane mass murderer anxious to kill everybody in his path. What do you do?
A.) Use my long nose to poke him in the eye and blind him.
B.) Use some karate badassery to kick this insane mass murderer’s ass.
C.) Scream the moment the mass murderer makes a sudden movement and flee.
D.) Offer him a drink at a fairly reasonable price.
E.) Run him over with my trusty delivery truck.
F.) I am the mass murderer.
G.) Roast him with fire.
7.) The Kitchenette Dictator is stealing your rights and censoring you. What do you do?
A.) Disappear from the face of the earth and then attempt to found my own offshoot of the Macaroni.
B.) I am the Kitchenette Dictator.
C.) Attempt to placate him with a gift of a dead mouse strategically placed upon his feet.
D.) I am not censored. I don’t write.
E.) Send passive-aggressive fan mail.
F.) Attempt to illegally break into the Kitchenette Dictator’s computer and write a fake article having him admit false lies, because apparently in my mind two wrongs does make a right and it’s totally cool to just break into a computer and force someone to do something against their will.
G.) Kick him in the shins because that’s about as high as I can reach.
8.) What do you want to do as an actual legitimate job besides the Macaroni Report in the future?
A.) Meme archivist.
B.) Food taste-tester.
D.) I am a Vending Machine.
E.) Something with mail. Mail Mail Mail MAIL.
F.) Jobs are for chumps. I’m gonna be a hermit.
G.) Serve as a cheaper alternative to paying some furnace bill or however the hell furnaces works.
9.) What is the single worst thing about the Greenville School District?
A.) The doorways that are not wide enough to fit my nose when turned sideways.
B.) The Greenville “Burrito”
C.) The loud noises.
D.) The lack of pocket change that one can feed to me.
E.) My lack of access to the mailboxes and such.
F.) The presence of hundreds of humans.
G.) The glorious posters that decorate the walls every Columbus Day.
10.) I’m out of question ideas, say something.
A.) Bush did Harambe.
F.) Guinea pigs are delicious.
If you got mostly A’s, you are……. THE HEAD CHEF
You’re a total meme nerd. Technically you’re our founder so we should respect you, but you kinda abandoned us for some hare-brained Troy Branch scheme. Also your nose is REALLY long.
If you got mostly B’s, you are……. THE KITCHENETTE INTERN
You’re a dictator, but also at the same time you don’t get your proper appreciation for everything you do. You get a lot of sass about censorship, even though that’s BS. But let’s face it, you really don’t care about any of this as long as you have a steady supply of food.
If you got mostly C’s, you are…….. THE STRAY CAT
Everyone kind of forgets about you as our newest member. However they shouldn’t because you’re pretty memorable. You scare super easily, but I mean you’re also a cat so it makes sense. You’re a stray, so you probably have like tapeworms and mange and stuff, but hey, not everybody can be perfect.
If you got mostly D’s, you are……. THE VENDING MACHINE
You rarely write articles, but that’s because you are too busy doing whatever it is that a vending machine does. Vending, we guess? But everybody still loves you anyway, go figure.
If you got mostly E’s, you are……. THE MAIL ROOM VP
What a hunk! You are gorgeous and love mail. These are literally the only two things of note about you.
If you got mostly F’s, you are……. THE BROOMCLOSET SASQUATCH
Basically you’re totally insane and want to kill everybody because trees are more important than humans or something. I don’t really get it. You probably should not be allowed to interact with humans, or write on the Macaroni Report unless heavily censored. Also you kind of moved into our offices illegally. Like, get out.
If you got mostly G’s, you are……. THE FURNACE DRAGON
You’re a jerk, because you left us in the cold winter without any heating so you could fly off to Canadia. Like, what the hell. You’re also short, full of ‘tude, and like to eat boiler room interns alive, though we can’t blame you on this last point because we hate them too.
I hope you liked this quiz which is literally a repeat of every roast I’ve already ever made on everybody.
-Kitchenette Intern/Dictatorial Overlord