Lead Found In School Water, Doesn’t Beat Shit

Shocking nobody, Greenville School District has recently revealed that water in the high school is tainted with lead. Some people were just relieved that it wasn’t another round of sewage, as was common this spring. The taste still hasn’t fully rinsed out of the pipes from when the town construction workers, in perhaps a biblical tribute in spirit of Easter, turned water not to wine, but to human waste.

In the nine water dispensing locations found to be “exceeding safe levels” of lead, janitorial staff has allegedly been instructed to prop up signs telling students to only wash their hands, but not drink. Apparently, even minor measures in the fight against the common cold are more important than coming in contact with dangerous amounts of lead. One such hazardous sink that resides in the home and careers room is especially concerning due to all the middle schoolers, fresh off their sweatshop unit, that won’t even bat an eye before rinsing off food items with more lead than in today’s pencils.

“Well, we’re already breathing mutatious carcinogens and drinking literal shit, why not throw some lead poisoning in there too?” said a Greenville student that wasn’t one of the same four sophomore/juniors the Maroon Report interviewed for every article of their last issue. “Honestly, anyone still drinking out of those fountains at this point should know what to expect, it’s essentially sped up natural selection.”

When questioned in regard to the newest onslaught of putrid poison being sloshed down the unwitting throats of Greenville masses, Todd Hilgendorff, high school principal, claimed, “There is nothing wrong with the water. If anything, it’s cheap, cheap lead pipes from the sixties, but replacing those would take up time and money we could be spending on replacing lunch tables with waterbeds and teachers with holograms!”

Greenville students and faculty have been warned to keep an eye out for any exhibited signs of lead poisoning, which the school administration maintains would be “purely coincidental” and “entirely unrelated” to this whole lead business. These symptoms include, but are not limited to:

  1. Memory loss. Finally, Mr. Evans has something to blame for his Calculus classes’ inability to math, besides each and every one of them and all math teachers they had prior.
  2. Slow growth. In other words, anyone particularly small encountered in the Greenville area should not be used as an armrest or given nicknames based on observational humor, but instead commended for their ability to survive (and probably rushed to a hospital).
  3. Loss of appetite. To be fair, this could just be the fault of the cafeteria…anyone who has ever tasted the Greenville Burrito could tell you as much, although unfortunately no such individuals have yet survived that horrific experience.
  4. Hallucinations. This can probably account for how so many people claim to have seen the Greenville guys basketball team playing well. Some have even suffered delusions severe enough to convince them that Greenville came a few points shy of beating Hudson last week. In BASKETBALL. For MALES. Clearly, the lead is more potent than previously realized.

The school has noted that the lead is most concentrated in the “first draw” from the taps after breaks. In other words, it might be best to make it your upcoming New Year’s resolution to invest in any of these wonderful worthwhile alternatives to water fountains and sinks.

But at least there’s a nice new scoreboard to help tally up all of the toxins running through Greenville’s infrastructure.

-Furnace Dragon

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Lead Found In School Water, Doesn’t Beat Shit

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