Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.
With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.
Abominable Snowman, The: Sasquatch’s much more festive cousin.
America: Christmas takes on a whole new meaning when it’s our last one doesn’t it?
Atheism: Religion that celebrates Christmas, but spitefully.
Birds and the Bees, The: An unwanted Christmas present that some unlucky fourth grader is definitely getting this holiday season.
Black Friday: Not to be confused with black history month.
Candy Cane: Edible potential shiv.
Chanukkah: Improper spelling for idiots who don’t know how to English. (see: It’s Hanukkah you dumbass)
Cherubs: Naked babies that are actually legal to paint like one of your French girls.
Chestnuts: Disgusting health food that luckily has been extinct in America since 1946.
Chinese Turkey: Yet another thing created by and for the Chinese.
Christmas: Politically incorrect holiday.
Christmas Lights: The more of them there are, the more pathetic the attempt of people to pretend that they are good Christians and love Jesus, completely ignoring the fact that they’ve never set foot in a Church before in their life.
Christmas Tree: Artificial plastic lump created for the 57% of the human race that is allergic to direct contact with actual nature.
Coal: Basically Santa telling you to go slit your wrists.
Death: A welcome release.
Elf: Festive midget (see: Emily Fagan, “She’s an angry elf”)
Figgy Pudding: Christmas food for the elderly. You know when you’re eating it your last Christmas is fast approaching.
Frosty the Snowman: Educational health class cartoon designed to teach children the proper way to handle deaths in their lives.
Grinch: Human being with little to no soul left inside that cold dead heart.
Hanukkah Harry: Because Jewish children need a child molester to give their kids treats too.
Home Alone 2: Oscar-nominated film that spurred Donald Trump’s glorious acting career in pornos.
Jesus: (Pronunciation – hey seuss)
Jingle Bell Rock: Good God, make it stop.
Krampus: Subject of worship by the Broom Closet Sasquatch; Demon with the nose of the Head Chef (purportedly).
Last Supper, The: Dinner on January 19th, 2017.
Mistletoe: Giving creeps excuses to make out with strangers since 1979.
Mrs. Claus: The epitome house-wife who should be a role model to young girls everywhere.
New York City: Place in the world widely regarded as the epicenter of Christmas cheer, festivity, and spirit due to its utter and complete lack of any living pine tree.
North Pole, The: Fake.
Ornament: The Walking Dead Daryl Dixon 9th edition decoration that you got last Christmas and hang on your tree that Jesus himself would so greatly thank you for using, because you truly do embody the spirit of Christmas.
Presents: Wasteful and philosophically meaningless symbols of our obsession as a society with the commercialistic mindset and an overall materialistic sense of spirituality. Oh who are we kidding? Presents are da bomb.
Reindeer: What’s for dinner next time daddy goes hunting.
Saint Nick: Our lord and savior Nick Jonas (see: Beefcake).
Santa Claus: Convicted child molester (he’s cumming down your chimney tonight).
Scotty Farcus: What a goddamn stallion.
Scrooge: Person who wants to actually retain some small amount of his/her fortune (i.e. any reasonable human being) and not give it all away to vagrants.
Sled: Death trap that it is socially permissible to put your kids on right before pushing them down a large hill.
Sleigh: Transportation vehicle for rich people that are complete and utter show-offs.
Snow: The bane of Greenville’s roof every springtime.
Snowflake: Paper-machete decoration made by kindergartners in school that’s sure to end up in a trash can the moment it hits December 26th.
Snowman: This guy is praying to his lucky stars that he’ll melt before January 20th.
Stocking: A dirty sock that society somehow deems it okay to put food – food that will be ingested and eaten, literally put into a person’s mouth and chewed up – into.
Woman: Human being who should be in the kitchen cooking dinner on Christmas Eve night.
Wrapping Paper: Just another stupid way that humans are killing trees.
Wreath: Cluster of the last remains of innocent plants slaughtered in some unruly ritualistic cult sacrifice hung on the doors of every cult member.
There you go. You’re completely set to survive the holidays. Just don’t misuse your power. Or you’re getting coal for Christmas.
-Kitchenette Supreme Ruler