Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.
Breaking News: Students in danger!While many parents have been confident that their children study in a school district free from destructive influences, this is not the case. We’re here to warn you: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!
We’ve decorated Macaroni HQ for our upcoming Christmas Party, and it’s got us thinking. While the interns string up lights around their cubicles, and boiler room workers roast chestnuts over the furnace, we MailRoom Interns have been burning our eyeballs out watching Christmas movies. The three of us interns, the MailRoom CEO, and this mannequin wearing MailRoom VP’s name tag haven’t stopped watching our festive favorites for the past week. And it’s made us more productive than ever! Not in terms of actually sorting and shipping mail, but in terms of deep thought. Apart from glue-sniffing induced ramblings, this is the most active conversation we’ve had in a long time, and we’d like to share our thoughts with you. Here’s what we have to say about the portrayal of the postal service in Christmas movies:
Yet again, the NHS has exercised its sinister powers to acquire a new supply of human labor. A group of unsuspecting Juniors and a few Seniors participated were inducted last night. While the crowd of proud parents applauded, the thin cackle of the Lizard Illuminati’s Head of Human Resources, Mr. Albright, could be heard mixed in among cheers and clapping. Here are the steps these students took to add the prestigious cult to their resumes.
While visiting the polling station today with his wife, Melania, Trump realized he doesn’t know how to cast a vote. He leaned over to see his wife’s paper, not unlike a 3rd grader during a Math Test, making sure he put the right answer.
“Frankly, the whole system is a mess,” Trump explained to the press afterwards. “I’ll be honest, I did look on my wife’s ballot. I wanted to be sure that she was voting for a good candidate, and now I am. She told me that she had voted for me when she had finished, but I didn’t understand it. She had checked off Hillary! So I still wasn’t sure, so I checked with the next person at the booth, who also told me that they were voting for me. And then a few more people after that, okay? And they all voted for me, but none of them checked off Trump.”
“It’s so confusing, you can literally check off any box and it will be a vote for me. What if someone wants to vote for crooked Hillary, or pothead Johnson? They should be able to!” Trump exclaimed heroically. “So, just to support a candidate that won’t be receiving any votes, I checked off the box for Hillary. Y’know I’m a gentleman, no one respects women more than me. I think Hillary deserves a vote, even if she is a woman. Sadly, that vote’s still gonna go to me, but at least in spirit, she’ll be getting a vote.”
What a gentleman. No one respects women more than him.
Election day is tomorrow and America is on the edge of its seat. We’re all anxiously awaiting to see which way the teetering sanity of the United States will finally fall. However, regardless of which candidate is elected, a familiar threat is being heard among voters.
We got around to inspecting the Vending Machine. The dusty old relic had been relocated to the basement since it stopped spitting out articles. A few interns grabbed some flashlights and got to work. After prying open the rusty monument to consumerism, the interns found a piece of mysterious writing:
We’re here to help!
Any questions or concerns can be voiced with out Customer Service Department:
or at our website:
Another cryptic note had this to say:
Need a refill? Want to visit the supplier?
Visit us in Newburgh, NY.
Newburgh is a few hours from Macaroni HQ. When (if) we can gather the gas money to make a trip out there, we’ll continue the search for the MRVP then.