Hello to all you US citizens/deplorables! My name is Sean Spicer, and by order of the President, all news publications are being asked to report a once a week (or so) official news report about everything going on in the White House and beyond! This is part of the White House’s campaign to eradicate fake news and ensure that every US citizen has access to only the true facts about the running and current going-ons of the country, free from media bias and/or factual statements. So here it is, the first official statement from the White House!
Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.
Here are some fun Alternative Facts to start your day. Continue reading “Some Fun Alternative Facts to Start Your Day”
Today marks the day that our great nation of ‘Murica officially died. The inauguration speech (AKA the official pronouncement of death of our genuinely amazing country) has already been delayed as nations from around the world pay respects to the dictatorial power they always hoped would die soon, but not quite like this.
Breaking News: Students in danger! While many parents have been confident that their children study in a school district free from destructive influences, this is not the case. We’re here to warn you: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!
Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.
With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.
Shocking nobody, Greenville School District has recently revealed that water in the high school is tainted with lead. Some people were just relieved that it wasn’t another round of sewage, as was common this spring. The taste still hasn’t fully rinsed out of the pipes from when the town construction workers, in perhaps a biblical tribute in spirit of Easter, turned water not to wine, but to human waste.
The video. The movie. The legend. This is the Il Interview, the single greatest homemade Youtube video ever created. Created for a history project in Mr. Thela’s class, this video is both informative and badass. Now let’s critique it so you can all hear about it, and be encouraged to watch it and love it.