Okay so before I start, I need to put a disclaimer or something: this is a legitimate opinion article. Something akin to the Head Chef’s NHS 100th article-palooza that no one cared about, an article that actually expressed legitimate opinions and such. This is gonna be like that. Okay glad I got that out of the way.
Okay so to start I’m gonna come clean. You know how I’m supposed to be the crazy environmentalist? Well, that’s not the real me. It was a long-running joke between me and the other crazy animals that work this paper. I have a super-crazy environmentalist in my family, and I mean like super crazy. Me on the other hand? Not so much.
So the Broom Closet Sasquatch is shockingly not an environmentalist, shockingly enough. And I just wanted to come clean because the other day I heard that some people in the school were actually taking the jokes that I say to hear and starting to go the way of the psycho environmentalist. Please don’t. They’re JOKES. I mean some of it is true, like Trump is still a dick in my opinion and please don’t vote for them. But I’m joking about the environment.
I mean come on think about it people. A lot of the pro-global warming stuff is BS. I mean sure we’ve had a warm-ish winter recently. But a few years ago we got like three feet of snow in late-December. Now I’m no expert, but if the world was really getting super-hot, we wouldn’t have had that much snow. Seriously, I mean for all this theorizing, all you have to do is look out the window every once in a while and you’ll know some of this stuff is fake. This summer was pretty unusually cold too, so there’s another point against this global warming stuff. And anyway, I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t mind some warmer winters (it means less of that snow-shoveling), so the way I see it, if global warming were really happening that would be a good thing.
Another probable mis-truth: polar bears. Everybody is like oh slow down global warming because it’s melting the ice caps and all the polar bears are gonna die. Well this is crap because A.) I literally just read a research study telling me there is more polar bears than there was fifty years ago and B.) there is still land in the arctic (shocking I know) so the polar bears could just live on the land even if all the ice did melt. This would honestly probably be better for us, because I heard that polar bears like to hunt people, and this would keep them away from people.
Okay so one last thing: everyone is going all nuts about us for burning oil, and I mean come on. People say that it’s not renewable, I mean seriously, how do you think it go there in the firs place stupid. Naturally, that’s how. So I mean, nature is gonna renew all this oil at some point anyway. But what do you want us to do, not use oil? If we stopped burning oil, we’d go into a huge economic spiral and our economy would crash worse than it did in the Great Depression. So I mean all these rich people out there advocating for solar panels are jackasses, they could survive an economic crash because they’ve got all that money stored up in hefty overseas bank accounts, but we poor and middle-class people, we have to suffer. Plus, it’s not like pretty much anyone can afford solar panels anyway, those things are more expensive than a year’s supply of epipens nowadays.
So basically what I’m saying is that I was joking, don’t take all of those environmental rants to heart, because I didn’t really mean them. Look, I’m not gonna hate you if you believe in global warming, but I;m just asking you to look around before you jump on the global warming bandwagon. I think you’ll see then that everybody is making a big deal out of nothing and calm down a little
Seriously people the environment is fine.