Demented Bunny Rabbit Haunts Crossgates Mall

Breaking News has recently broke. A demented Bunny Rabbit has been spotted stalking the hallways of Crossgates Mall, and the police are looking for information on his whereabouts. Sightings peg the bunny as brown and white, possibly rabid, and with an expression on his face “which suggests he downed an entire bottle of anti-depressant pills at once.” This rabbit is extremely dangerous, and should not be approached if spotted.

For the last 30 years, the bunny appears in the mall for a period of approximately one month before disappearing back to his hidden lair. When that period of terror begins constantly changes, and while some claim that we can use the lunar cycle to predict his coming, in truth he is much too erratic. Reportedly, there is some secret underground cult that worships this bunny made up of the parents of young children, and each year they bring their children to the mall in the hopes that he can bless the children. Very few children actually wish to join their parents cult, as is evident by the witness-reported wailing that can be heard throughout the mall whenever one of these tiny tots encounters the demonic creature.

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Demented Bunny Rabbit Haunts Crossgates Mall

World Famous Masterminds come to Greenville, no one shows up

Dear Macaroni reader, if you have been keeping up to date with your macaroni news, then you know that Greenville’s “Masterminds Club” is actually secretly a board game club. However, Greenville did fall into some trouble after they found out that the term Masterminds Club is actually the trademarked term for a world famous underground trivia champions organization with the singular goal of training people to dominate GSN, Jeoporady, and then the world. In order to avoid any potential lawsuits, Mr. Drumma, the head of the board game club, decided to officially register the club in the organization.

Unfortunately, Greenville school was designated as the unexpected meeting place to perform their villainous trivia rituals. Worshippers flocked to Greenville from exotic locations around the world, including Bethlehem, Guilderland, and there was even a sighting of a rare and mysterious Duansberger. The unprepared Greenville school responded drastically, attempting to eliminate the influx of cult-members/nerds by feeding them their trademarked Greenville “Pizza” (almost as infamous as the Greenville “Burrito”) and blasting the movie The Incredibles on a loop for five hours straight. Alas, it turns out that these invaders had practiced mysterious dark arts that made them immune to the effects and/or taste of this “Pizza” (either that or they were very, very hungry).We’re still not exactly sure how they survived the Incredibles repeat cycle though.

The poor members of the board game club were forced to join in on the dreaded ritual known as the “trivia competition” (due to the presence of the quotation marks, we suggest that you do not under any circumstances attempt to ingest the “trivia competition”). Apparently, the Masterminds organization had done extensive advertising of their ritual session, even going so far as to hack the Greenville high school announcements and broadcast their propaganda across the eardrums of every student, teacher, and other random person in the Greenville High School. Alas, we here at the Macaroni believe that an epidemic of sudden temporary deafness syndrome may have overtaken the entire campus, because it seems that no one on the campus heard this announcement, and therefore, no one showed up.

Without any support from their peers, the Greenville Board Game Club struggled in a situation where they were actually expected to be intelligent. Few members survived these dark, seemingly satanic rituals, and the few that did remained very close-lipped about the incident. However, rumors still circulate of a terrifying incident known as the 715 to 0 defeat, which will certainly terrorize the dreams of Greenvillians for years to come.

Ultimately the Masterminds grew tired of their trivia rituals, and disbanded, returning to the hovels that they most certainly crawled out of, leaving nothing behind but the battered remains of Greenville’s once great board game club, and about 55 empty water bottles.

We at the Macaroni Report would like to give our condolences to any survivors of the incident. We are sorry for your loss.

-Kitchenette Intern

World Famous Masterminds come to Greenville, no one shows up