This just in! The Macaroni’s reporters in Philadelphia have officially reported that the history has been made! The democrats have officially nominated Hillary Clinton as their presidential nominee, breaking boundaries all across the board. When we asked convention goer Tara Jones her thoughts about this historic event, she said “Well, in the past, we’ve had a lot of male criminals run for president, like at least thirty. Now, we’re breaking boundaries for women! We’ve got to show them that we can be just as corrupt and power hungry in the political field.” The Macaroni can confirm that since everything from here on out involving Hillary is uncharted territory, we will keep you updated on every history-making moment in her coming campaign. Current articles in the planning include “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to complete two speeches,” “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to complete three speeches,” and “History has been made! Hillary becomes first female presidential nominee to breath 10,789 breaths since nomination.”
If you’re an avid reader of the Macaroni Report, you may be aware of the schedule in which we publish our articles. Our scheduling system is very complex, making sure the average reader will return to our website without new articles ready to read. Recently however, an incident involving Intern No. 683 caught our attention.
Continue reading “Macaroni Report Pulls No Punches in the Fight Against Procrastination”
Dear Macaroni reader, we often receive masses of letters at out mail room, most of them questions for us interns. And contrary to popular belief, we do actually read them before sending them to the shredder. A sampling of the questions that we have received: “Are you guys really good looking?”, “Can I date you?”, “Were you born with such natural writing ability?”, and “Did you dispose of the evidence?” (don’t ask). But the question that we by far get asked the most is “Can I become an intern at the Macaroni Report?”
In case you are wondering, the answer is yes.
Now before you start a celebration and pop the cork off of your champagne, know that becoming an intern here isn’t easy. First you have to pass the dreaded Macaroni Bootcamp. You can apply for Macaroni Bootcamp at any local Macaroni Bootcamp application location, and then the tribulations begin. We don’t train just any interns here, we train the best.
Each morning, our intern-trainees wake up at 5:30 am. They are force fed a breakfast of lucky charms and totally legit news (except for on Wednesdays, where they have to eat bowls of nails – without any milk), and then are subjected to a three hour session of watching the TV Show Conspiracy, with their eyes taped open to prevent dozing off. For lunch, intern-trainees are given a heaping bowl of macaroni and cheese. If these interns fail to finish (we take our mac & cheese serious here at the Macaroni Report), they are punished by having to do 150 pull-ups, and reciting the ingredient list of Kraft mac & cheese by heart. After lunch, these interns go to the Boiler Room for a two-hour course in the two essential jobs of the boiler room, Furnace Dragon fighting and checkers. To date, 15 different intern-trainees have been lost to the Furnace Dragon, and one has been lost to checkers (choking hazard). After that, they serve a mandatory 3 hour course in the Mail Room, where they learn the proper technique for paper shreddin– I MEAN MAIL SORTING. Yeah, mail sorting. After that, intern #83 trains the intern-trainees in gladiatorial fighting, to prepare them for the monthly Friday Night Intern Fight. He gives them classes on fighting with a broken ruler, wilderness survival, Ju-Jitsu chokeholds, and befriending big cats (hey you never know what’s in store for the FNIF). After this, the intern-trainees are given a hardy dinner of more macaroni, and are subjugated to a thirty minute beating to make them tough. After dinner, the Kitchenette Intern runs a fifteen minute class on proper kitchenette etiquette and care-taking. Failure to comply to the rules established in this class is subject to immediate dismissal and/or elimination. The last half-hour of the training day is run by the senior executives, who teach a class on how to write super-legit news. Following this, the interns-trainees have an hour-long period of free time before curfew, during which they have access to the company TV and can watch anything they want (excluding BBC, as studies have shown that prolonged exposure can be a leading cause of un-funniness). At Macaroni Bootcamp, discipline is strictly enforced. Any intern-trainee who breaks a rule is locked in the broom closet for 24 hours (this is a fate worse then death, because not only does the punished intern-trainee have to listen to the sasquatch’s ramblings, he has to suffer the smell of a large, hairy sasquatch that hasn’t been washed in 30 years. Plus there are rumors that when the sasquatch sleeps he likes to cuddle).
(Note: It has been decided that any intern-trainee who doesn’t have what it takes to pass this boot camp knows too much and will be euthanized. Humanely of course. We’re not monsters.)
If you have what it takes to survive this boot camp, than you are inducted as a full intern after 5 full weeks of Boot Camp. ALL of the current Macaroni writers have successfully passed this boot camp, which does prove that not all superheroes wear capes. So please apply today.
Alternatively, for instant macaroni admission, you could fill out a small paper about yourself and leave it in the unlocked, un-numbered locker next to the upstairs high-school boys bathroom.
Good luck future interns! And may the odds be ever in your favor!