This just in! The political correspondent of the Macaroni Report has become disgruntled. Fed up with the state of the current Presidential Race, and annoyed with our failure to properly report on it, the ghost of Richard Nixon has abandoned the Macaroni Report and gone off to offer his expertise to another paper.
Breaking: Greenvilites across the school district are having their minds effectively obliterated by the latest happenstance in a long line of water related occurrences. What one might ask is the latest instance of Tom foolery? Chocolate milk dispensing water fountains. Yes, you read that right, the fountains here at GCS now dispense chocolate milk! No longer will the common folk of GCS be oppressed by the evil that is water (regardless of it’s importance in milk’s composition), and all it took was around five or so water main breaks over the course of a month as well as the much more widely acknowledged integration of cows into our water production and storage facilities. We here at The Macaroni Report recommend exclusively consuming this new milk from now until the stockpile of it in the pipes runs dry.
–Intern No. 834
Breaking: Once again the next-gen construction crews of Greenville have managed to break the water main during their marathon production of no sidewalk. The break was announced to staff through an email around 10:55 – 11:00 AM and students were only notified 15-20 minutes later through a public announcement at 11:15.
We would like to make note that apparently the time that water must be restored by in order for the school to not evacuate is 2 hours, not the 45 minutes we reporter earlier. Either way however the water will still probably be brown for a solid 10 minutes (or however long it takes people it to start drinking the fountain water again) after the water is restored.
“Don’t drink the water”
–Intern No. 803
A ongoing standoff between Greenville School and the “free” press has come to a precipice in the last week, when the attempted printing of the Maroon Report was forced to a screeching halt after one of their staff was taken captive.
The Maroon Report, for our readers who may be foreign to Greenville High School (or just living under a rock, which Sasquatch maintains is an eco-friendly alternative to dealing with society at large), is the off-brand Macaroni Report. They are the Annie`s to our Kraft; too cheesy, a little overdone, and not at all colored or shaped like your cartoon character of choice. In the past, what with the whole attempted absorption debacle, we here at the Macaroni Report have not exactly been their biggest supporters (unless you can count routinely destroying and lamenting their paper as a new hip form of support). Continue reading “Maroon Report Printing Delayed By Hostage Situation”
[Note: The Following is an opinion piece (the first I may add) for the new opinion category that we just added. These may or may not (but likely will be) factual. These do not necessarily represent the opinions of the Macaroni Report as a whole.] [This is not a parody.]
[Note: The following is an article submitted by a viewer of ours and once again, does not necessarily represent The Macaroni Report. In accordance with company policy, the name/identity of the viewer is not allowed to be revealed in order to prevent retribution. We hope that you are not an angry mob and are able to understand this.]
If you’ve ever ever been to a school hosting a local chapter of the National Honor Society, you’ve probably been told by some pretentious voice at one point or another (or at least assumed) that joining the NHS was either an important step or a necessary one for increasing, if not guaranteeing, your chances of getting into the college (or equivalent) of your dreams. You’re not alone either, as the general stereotype/stigma surrounding the NHS for most people is the same, so surely the collective masses can’t be wrong, can they? In reality, The truth is far from that.
Today, the entire town of Greenville converged upon its only two paved roadways in anticipation of the biannual turf war between the marching bands of Greenville and Cairo High. Mr. Benedict, long time marshal and recent veteran of the Greenville division, was even spotted among the crowd. “Why they continue to hold these…it`s almost sick. I was so close to convincing them to spare the town this year, but they took it so personally when we broke their gym…” He remarked. Turning his gaze on his replacement and taking in the fresh-faced hopefulness, Benedict added, “I just hope for our sake they make it quick.”
The preamble to the fight was in all outwardly actions as peppy and jovial as ever, but it was behind those plastered smiles and glittery decorations that it was evident they were anticipating the slaughter to come. An armed militia stood at the ready, but even they were aware of the powerlessness of their guns in matters such as these.
Greenville rounded the hill first, flags at the ready, putting on a brave face for the crowd. The town pretended not to notice their trembling fingers and uncomfortable stances, or the fact that many of the students were blatantly too disturbed by Cairo scare tactics to play. The band clung to the illusion of being able to read their music, and the flute players pretended not to feel the icy stab of their metal music holders digging into the flesh around their necks. However, it was clear this charade was not going to hold much longer. Even the fresh faced marshal was beginning to sense the oncoming storm, and as the blue and white figures appeared over the horizon, his whistle blowing became more erratic, his prancing more of a restrained retreat.
Then, all at once, Cairo was upon them, an unstoppable wave of sleek uniforms, at least double in numbers and triple in volume. A terrified hush passed through the crowd. Greenville`s tiny blue cornet was nothing in comparison to the electric guitar, with amp in tow, that rounded out Cairo’s force. A fully grown man was tucked in among the band, hammering away on the drums, just because he knew no Greenvillian would dare step up to challenge him.
As Greenville regrouped for round two, retrieving any wind-napped music and attempting regulate their breathing, their competition ascended through the town square, forcing smiles and cheers with music that was just short of them shouting “Dance, peasants, dance!”
The Greenville band reluctantly trudged on to their final stand. With drooping flags, even their once optimistic marshal only offered a small tweet of his whistle. Not tired at all, the Cairo infantry strode on, pulling out all the stops. They had, after all, conquered the streets of Manhattan just days before. With such a snide strut and knowing glances… it was obvious they considered this their victory lap. Greenville`s fire department followed in their wake, called on the scene after Cairo arrived in order to, reportedly, “cool them down”.
Once again, Cairo was crowned champion.Their triumphant farewell left the promise -or, rather, threat- of a return in late May, much to the onlooking crowd`s dismay. Greenville`s new band leader had been able to scrounge them up a small victory, however; taking a page out of his predecessor’s book, the entire band had been clothed in the ancient, shapeless blobs of ratty maroon, clearly making the statement that Cairo could not take their pride, as they had already decimated it themselves.
Recently, a dark terror has been growing at Greenville, instilling fear into the hearts of all. Unknown to all but the highest ranking officials, this monstrous beast recently broke into the CAD class and ate all the students there at the time, which came to a grand total of three. Although nobody noticed, the school officials decided it was time to take drastic action, they proceeded to replace all the doors with new state of the art bank vaults, with electronic locks, steel woven glass, 100 horsepower arms to force the doors closed and make them more difficult to open, and salt lining the edges to ward off any other evil spirits that may try to sneak in unannounced. However, the school encountered unexpected resistance from the faculty and staff, who refused to keep their doors closed, instead engaging in an underground trade in door wedges through the wood shop to keep them propped open. Obviously this put the students at severe risk, possibly even more so than before. For this reason, the officials issued a proclamation to all teachers, ordering them to leave the doors closed at all times. Unfortunately, the teachers and students regarded this policy as a waste of time and being idiotic, often refused to obey it. This led to high up officials (possibly in league with the NHS), stealing as many door stops as they could fit into their pockets. This proved highly inefficient, but unable to come up with a new means of collection on the spot, they were forced to abandon their plan halfway through. Now however, they are facing insubordination among the faculty, many of whom cannot understand the reasoning behind their superior’s actions. At this point we would like to apologize as we have reason to believe that the terror in question may in fact be the furnace dragon, who during a brief period in which our boilers were not functioning, took advantage of Greenville’s faulty heating system and attempted to re locate to the school’s basement, possibly consuming a couple of bystanders while doing so. The situation is now under control, but we would like to apologize for any inconvenience caused.
(As a side note, we believe a member of the custodial staff may also have been consumed and would like to apologize for this as well)