Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.
With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.
Continue reading “Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary”
[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #4]
In Greenville, our gym has been under construction for the past couple of months/years. The good news is that the HS gym is complete, and it has many new, if boring features, including the maroon bleachers on one side of the gym [Editor’s Note: Not new, we always has maroon bleachers you fools], and the new LEAD scoreboards and shot clocks. There is brand new floors with customized paint, new wall pain, and finally a new dividing curtain to replace the old fold out wall, all of which surprisingly only contain double the legal limit of asbestos. “It will truly make a great athletic environment for basketball, volleyball, and wrestling, but no other sports. Additionally, it will make a great environment for the most useless course, physical education,” says a gym teacher.
As well as Greenville receiving a new High School gym, we’ve also received new and just-as-useless soccer scoreboards. The new scoreboards are meant to finally keep Greenville up to date with the year 1995. The people watching now have a slightly better understanding of the otherwise incomprehensible time period of the game as well as the score of the game, which is well-documented as being impossible to remember. The referees can also stop the clock whenever they feel like being dicks (AKA all the time).
And through this all, Greenville STILL hasn’t fixed that leak in the roof.
Today Greenville executed it’s first ever Emergency Self-Warming drill, and the thing was a total failure. For those of you uninformed citizens, an Emergency Self-Warming Drill is like a fire drill but there is no fire and you are thrust into below freezing weather without any form of protection from the elements. As one may guess, the self-warming abilities of the Greenville student body we’re QUITE inadequate.
Continue reading “Greenville’s Emergency Self-Warming drill shows just how inadequately prepared we are for another Ice Age sequel”
In a shocking turn of events, witnesses report that GRASS has been growing on Greenville’s lawn. It has been long thought by most reputable scientists that such a feat would be impossible, seeing as the soil in Greenville’s lawn is composed of a toxic mix of 85% asbestos and 15% left-over food from the Greenville cafeteria – which is possibly even more poisonous than the asbestos.
This of course comes as a shock, as it was long assumed that after Greenville tore up their own lawn in a hare-brained plot, nothing would ever be able to grow in that wasteland ever again. But shockingly, our reporters have been able to confirm the rumors: there IS grass starting to spout there.
Multiple scientists have weighed in their own opinions, and approximately 60% of scientists have agreed; the only possible explanation is that some advanced form of super grass has evolved.
Recently in the news there has been a great fear of superbugs, but now, super grass is the new greatest threat to humanity’s survival. If grass can actually grow in the shattered remains of Greenville’s back field, what is to prevent it from growing anywhere? In our schools? In our department stores? In our bathrooms? In Mr. Siebrecht’s perfectly maintained history room? If such a horrific incident like that could occur, what could possibly prevent the invasive super-grass from migrating to Siebrecht’s also perfectly maintained shiny bald scalp? All of society would certainly crumble if such an event were to occur, and Mr. Siebrecht would certainly lose his cookies.
Whatever you do Greenvillians, do not trust this mysterious grass. We’d recommend against walking on it, rolling on it, intensely staring at it, or eating it (yes we’re looking at you Broomcloset Sasquatch) until further scientific research can be acquired.
In the latest “intelligent” decision of the Greevnille management, a special initiative has been enacted to fund a scoreboard at the upper soccer field behind the school. Since it is a well known fact that Greenville has absolutely no money – at ALL -they have had no choice but to resort to “uncivilized” tactics in an attempt to earn the necessary funds. These tactics include literally tearing down the entire HS gym and ripping the other “less useful” Greenville fields out of the ground.
Continue reading “Greenville demolishes own gym and grounds in an attempt to collect money for soccer scoreboard”
It’s that time of year again. All the little Greenvillians are running off to devour chocolate and search their yards for Easter eggs… not really. This “Easter” break will be a little different, seeing as this year it is not Easter break. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy yourself. We at the Macaroni like to embrace our inner “spring-break-TV-show-on-MTV” side and go on a company vacation each year. This year, we’re going to the beach. That means that most likely you won’t be seeing any articles over break, seeing as we have better things to do, but hey, you never know. And we can assure you, the Master and his evil NHS minions will never get a hold of our account this time, since the Broom Closet Sasquatch is leaving his magic gophers behind to guard our facility. That being said we hope that you enjoy yourselves! Try not to die via a pot or get brainwashed by IB courses or become a Trump supporter over break. We hope you don’t, as we still value you (mainly because you increase our viewer count). So, happy break from the Head Chef, Kitchenette Intern, Mailroom crew (CEO, VP, and Subordinate), the boilerroom interns, Dr. Kierbutt, our archival committee, Broom Closet Sasquatch, Richard Nixon, the Furnace Dragon, and our magic gopher pets.
Editor’s Note: This article is part of a new initiative, code-named BigMac, that we just developed yesterday. It has recently been noted that the Maroon Report has rushed to get out their latest issue as fast as they can, possibly due to threats of competition. We obviously can’t allow ourselves to stagnate, so the Kitchenette Intern has been appointed the duty of publishing a Brand New, Completely Original, Not Ripped Right Out of the Maroon Report Article every day for the next week or so. So here it is.
It’s a well known fact that Greenville school is totally infected with asbestos. This is one very nasty substance, but it would cost the school money to get it removed, and we all know that Greenville has none of that. In light of the recent “mountain farming” money-making scheme, there are many that are worried about Asbestos contamination.
Continue reading “Asbestos Mutations: Coming for us All?”