You know the drill. Answer these questions and there is a 100% chance we totally guessed what person you are. And if none of these match you, well then get off of our website.
Hey Macaroni readers! We’re here to make a public service announcement that honestly should have been made months ago, but I mean we’re the Macaroni Report, we don’t do things timely, if at all.
So the announcement is: the Head Chef has been replaced.
That’s right, we got sick of that bastard so we sent him off to the Hudson Valley Community Prison Camp to live out the rest of his days, however few they may be. Of course, this left a power vacuum, but this problem was quickly solved. I, the amazing Kitchenette Intern, was put in command of the Macaroni. However, the majority of the Macaroni staff quickly realized that was a bad idea because I am legally insane, so I was turned into a “co-Head Chef”, with the Mail Room VP being put into co-command to temper my general craziness. Of course, the Mail Room VP is completely insane when it comes to the topic of mail, but otherwise he’s perfectly normal.
Of course, everyone knows who the dominant male is in this relationship. And of course there is also the fact that the Mail Room VP has disappeared in the last few days, so in his absence I have taken total dictatorial control of the Macaroni. I assure you dear reader that I am putting all of my resources (of which there are none) into finding my co-Head Chef partner. Every Macaroni employee (excluding myself of course) is being investigated for potential espionage. We will get to the bottom of this, and I am not just saying this to appear not guilty, that’s a stupid idea.
-Kitchenette Grandmaster Dictator Head Chef Boss Dude
(P.S. Original Head Chef you suck!!!!)
Just this weekend, the students of Greenville’s class of 2016 walked across the Greenville stage to collect their diplomas, at last conquering the 13 year terror that is the Greenville Central School District. It is said that the four veterans of the Macaroni Report that walked across that stage were given special charms to wear during the ceremony that proclaimed their macaroni allegiance, similar to the NHS tassels. This is a lie, because the rest of the Macaroni staff was much too lazy to acquire said special charms. We would like to congratulate these four alumni, Liam Connors (The Head Chef), Emily Fagan (The Furnace Dragon), Gabriel Patterson (Resident Archivist 4242), and Sean McAneny (Political Correspondent Richard Nixon). They are each now going off into the real world to receive real degrees and work towards a real future, laughing villainous-ly at the poor students who must next year endure the terror that is senior seminar. Each will be pursuing an interesting future.
Liam Connors – Rather than conform to society and go to a regular university, Liam has decided that universities are overrated and will found his own, the Macaroni University, at which he will major in the only available major, Macaroni-cooking. He hopes to spend his life doing TV adds for Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, or perhaps sitting in a corner, hiding from the sunlight under a blanket, while trolling the internet with dank memes.
Emily Fagan – Emily has decided that the population of Trump supporters in America is too damn high, and that hicks are evil, and has thus flown the coop off to the magic land of Canadia. She will be double-majoring in Canadian Studies (known in America as Moose Biology) and Sarcasm. There is also rumors that she will be minoring in Height Research.
Gabrielle Patterson – Gabe, or Gabrielle, as he prefers to be known, has decided to go to college and double-major in “Librarian-ing”, which he maintains is a real thing, and Scottish War Reenactments. Gabrielle already has plans to annex the collegiate chess club, and install, “Wear your kilt to school day!” at his college. He may or may not also be planning to lay siege to Greece with an army of elephants.
Sean McAneny – After barely surviving two years of Ms. Palmer’s patented IB Suicide Trip™, Sean has seemingly lost all semblance in sanity. He will be dual-majoring in Running and Running, while he will also minor in Running. It is very important to him, as he must now go on the run to stay ahead of Mr. Siebrecht, who is desperate to hunt him down after Sean did not list him as one of his four most influential teachers in his salutatorian speech.
There you have it, the Macaroni class of 2016. All other rumored members of this class have already been euthanized for failing to comply to Macaroni regulations. Speaking as your new still-unannounced-co-Head-Chef-thing, if you fail to visit us and devote the rest of your life to the Macaroni, I will hunt you down, and I know where three of you live. I’d never be able to catch the fourth anyway, cause he’s so damn fast.
Congratulations for not dying. Love, the other less important Macaroni staff members.
-Kitchenette “I’m kind of your boss now” Intern
[Operation Big Mac]
Here’s a special end of year Corridor Conversation to celebrate the untimely resignation of some of our members. We wish them all the best in their future careers. The four members we are celebrating are: Furnace Dragon, Archivist 4242, Richard Nixon/Cheddar Guevara, and the Head Chef himself. Hopefully their next job will net them an actual paycheck and dental insurance. Continue reading “Corridor Conversation: Special Edition”
At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.
[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]
In our never ending quest to improve the article creation facilities within our heads here at The Macaroni Report (and totally not rip off The Maroon Report even more) and by popular intern request, have decided to create our own “Games In Review” game reviewing
closet division. The main goal will be to provide good honest reviews of everything from board games to triple A titles as to hopefully inform (and potentially sway) your interests and opinions whatever titles we review.
Click “Read More” to find out more about our reviews.
Breaking News: Our own Head Chef has developed a line of fire retardant clothing. I got a quick interview with him to learn more about it.
Mail Room VP: “How do your prevent this clothing from combusting at high temperatures?”
The Head Chef: “I made them using wool.”
MRVP: “But isn’t wool flammable?”
THC (whoops): “Oh, well of course. I’ve invented a special kind of flame-ignorant wool, which I’ve used to make the clothing.”
THC: “Yes. I raise my own sheep from birth, never exposing them to the concept of fire. They are contained in a special, windowless room that holds no form of fire, or even heat. Don’t worry, their wool keeps them warm.”
“The room doesn’t even contain electric lighting. Instead I light the room with only glow in the dark-paint, which I also feed to the sheep to improve their night-vision. It’s science! And when the sheep are sheared I use the wool to make clothing.”
MRVP: “But how does that make the wool flame-ret–”
MRVP: “Right. How does the wool become flame-ignorant?”
THC: “The answer is simple: since the sheep have never seen fire, their wool doesn’t know how to respond to the intense heat. So when the wool is exposed to fire, it does nothing. Except glow. That’s a side-effect of eating glow-in-the-dark paint.”
MRVP: “Amazing! Is there anything ignorance can’t do?!”
–Mail Room VP