The latest iteration of Greenville School’s Spirits Week* has proven rather disappointing for this reporter. Continue reading “Surprising Lack of Spirits This Week”
In a shocking turn of events, witnesses report that GRASS has been growing on Greenville’s lawn. It has been long thought by most reputable scientists that such a feat would be impossible, seeing as the soil in Greenville’s lawn is composed of a toxic mix of 85% asbestos and 15% left-over food from the Greenville cafeteria – which is possibly even more poisonous than the asbestos.
This of course comes as a shock, as it was long assumed that after Greenville tore up their own lawn in a hare-brained plot, nothing would ever be able to grow in that wasteland ever again. But shockingly, our reporters have been able to confirm the rumors: there IS grass starting to spout there.
Multiple scientists have weighed in their own opinions, and approximately 60% of scientists have agreed; the only possible explanation is that some advanced form of super grass has evolved.
Recently in the news there has been a great fear of superbugs, but now, super grass is the new greatest threat to humanity’s survival. If grass can actually grow in the shattered remains of Greenville’s back field, what is to prevent it from growing anywhere? In our schools? In our department stores? In our bathrooms? In Mr. Siebrecht’s perfectly maintained history room? If such a horrific incident like that could occur, what could possibly prevent the invasive super-grass from migrating to Siebrecht’s also perfectly maintained shiny bald scalp? All of society would certainly crumble if such an event were to occur, and Mr. Siebrecht would certainly lose his cookies.
Whatever you do Greenvillians, do not trust this mysterious grass. We’d recommend against walking on it, rolling on it, intensely staring at it, or eating it (yes we’re looking at you Broomcloset Sasquatch) until further scientific research can be acquired.
You’re welcome. .
At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.
[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]
BigMac initiative article #4
Welcome to the Macaroni’s first ever quiz! Greenville teachers say the darndest things, but so do random hobos, so lets have a quiz of who said what. It’s like a ‘Who tweeted it?’ game, but neither Greenville teachers nor random hobos have the funds to acquire a phone which they could use to tweet. They also generally lack any technological skills.
Click below to play our game!
THIS IS AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NEWS ALERT, BUT TO AVOID PEOPLE’S IMMEDIATE PANIC FROM SEEING THIS THREAT TO THEIR SAFETY, WE CAN NOT ACTUALLY ANNOUNCE IT UNLESS YOU CLICK TO READ MORE!!!!!!!
Today at the Macaroni Critique we have a super legit thing to Critique that is totally super legit: the Siebrecht Brand™ Headband! This headband is not just any headband. It’s a Siebrecht Brand™ Headband! Personally created and sold by the big man himself! We caught up with Siebrecht himself for a super legit totally not fabricated interview. “After I got the duck face to explode on the internet, I needed another life goal,” he said. “Teaching eighth graders simple facts like the fact that Abraham Lincoln is the greatest president just isn’t good enough, you know, especially since none of them pay attention anyway. So then I decided to start selling Siebrecht Brand™ Headbands, hoping that maybe they can break the internet again.” These headbands aren’t just any ratty old headbands. They have special side effects that no other headbands have. One of their most popular features is the feature that allows you to run in the pouring rain without feeling tiredness or discomfort. Siebrecht himself often advertises this feature by jogging along route 32 whenever there is a thunderstorm. Another amazing feature is the patented Instant-Headband-Tan technology, which uses company secrets to give you a much-loved headband tan instantly!*All these amazing feature can be yours for only fifteen easy payments of $0.37!!!**
So you see, the Siebrecht Brand™ Headband is one of the most amazing products ever invented! I mean, its a headband with Instant Headband tan and anti-pouring rain features!*** Plus, it’s super cheap! We at the Macaroni Critique highly recommend that you buy this product, and were totally not paid off to tell you that.
(*Siebrecht Brand™ Headbands do not actually give you a headband tan instantly. It generally takes about a 3 month time period to experience the full effects of the headband tan. Less during summer months or if jogging frequently
(**Plus $358.95 shipping and handling.)
(***Effects are not guaranteed to work unless the user is bald. May cause hair loss.)