The Macaroni Guide to Getting Rich Quick

Let’s face it: in this day and age, life is all about money, and we all want to get rich with minimum effort. They say that money can’t buy happiness, but money can buy food, which leads to happiness. Since some of us don’t have small loans of a million dollars lying around, here are some foolproof ideas to getting rich quick with hopefully minimal effort.

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The Macaroni Guide to Getting Rich Quick

Fact: Lizard NHS Illuminati leader has been assassinated, Gang War ensues

If anyone has noticed, Mr. Albright, the US History Teacher/Lizard NHS Illuminati leader has been missing for the last two days. Now this could easily be a highly common sickness, or simply an impromptu vacation. However, we at the Macaroni are bringing you the truth about why this teacher has been mysteriously missing: there has been a power change within the leadership of the NHS illuminati.

There is a good chance that our poor teacher Mr. Albright has been assassinated, and we may never see him again. An unknown hitman, likely a lower-level member of the organization, has eliminated him in the hopes of taking his position. In actuality, however, a fully-fledged gang war has been ignited within the illuminati.

Mrs. Finch made a move on the leadership position, attempting to embrace her inner reptile, but she was taken down by Mrs. Kehrer, who returned to the school from maternity leave for her own chance at the spot (which is why Finch was “out sick” today). Mrs. Sharkey, angered by the loss of her friend, stole a podium from Mr. Thela’s war-room and vowed to use it to beat to death anyone who dared to oppose her ascension. This caused the usually docile Mr. Thela to rally the history department behind him and begin to wage war on the science department using his patented and trademarked ceramic turkey grenade.

We at the Macaroni Report highly suggest that you skip the next few days of school and bunker down until the war breezes over and a new leader is elected: that is, if you enjoy living. Until then please feel free to place bets in the betting pool for who will win the gang war. The current favorite is Mr. Siebrecht, who has been performing hit-and-run raids on the math department along with the crazy barbarians known as the Greenville Cross Country Team.

-Kitchenette Intern

Fact: Lizard NHS Illuminati leader has been assassinated, Gang War ensues