Today marks the day that our great nation of ‘Murica officially died. The inauguration speech (AKA the official pronouncement of death of our genuinely amazing country) has already been delayed as nations from around the world pay respects to the dictatorial power they always hoped would die soon, but not quite like this.
Yesterday, Republican Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz officially suspended his presidential campaign after suffering a crushing defeat in Indiana to Republican front runner Donald J. Trump. This leaves the race Donald Trump and John Kasich, on the Republican side, against democratic runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Continue reading “Cruz “Suspends” Campaign”
In case you haven’t noticed, we here at the Macaroni Report have finally figured out how to actually add pictures into our articles. It has taken months of intensive research to discover that yes, there is a button allowing you to upload photos hovering almost dead in the middle of the page. Now that we have this capability, our photo department has expanded from one pathetic intern with a flip-phone (full on Thela-style), to two pathetic interns with flip phones. During some of our recent research, we have discovered something that you, the reader, may not know: presidential candidates look weird. Continue reading “Who are these weirdos that run for president?”
Here at the Macaroni Report, we find politics confusing to say the least. Why does that gun control law have to have one thousand pages? Why does that health care act need 35,000 clauses?!? Why does the president get so many vacation days?!?!? We cannot answer these questions, and we are assuming that you, the reader, being obviously less intelligent than us, are also confused. Allow us to somewhat enlighten you on one of the hot topics in politics for this year, the 2016 presidential election, we will be going over the major candidates for the upcoming election. This does include candidates who have dropped out already, for the purpose of you remaining informed and so that you finally understand what that crazy guy on the street means when he shouts “I support Rand Paul!” (However, some candidates were so obscure that even we didn’t include them). The only members of the main two parties still left on the field are Clinton, Sanders, Trump, Cruz, and…what was his name again? Ummmmm, uhhhhhh, maybe Keynered? Keesick? Krappy? Oh, yeah, Kasich, that was his name, Kasich. This article will be set up starting with the democrats, than the republicans in alphabetical order, and then a couple third parties.
Disclaimer: We would like to say right off the bat that the Macaroni is not endorsing any of these candidates, and in order to avoid politically influencing you, the reader, will insult each of them equally, so please do not be offended if we shoot down your favorite candidate.
Hilary Clinton: A creepy old woman who’s catch phrase should be “My name is Hilary, and I’ll change to be whatever you want me to be,” but who’s catch phrase is actually “My name is Hilary, and if you don’t vote for me, you are a misogynistic woman hater.”
Bernie Sanders: An old Jewish man, who is a socialist, which is just one step down from Communism. So, if you vote for Sanders, you are voting for the next Stalin and support a Communist take over in the US. Pretty much.
Martin O’Malley: The other democrat.
Lincoln Chaffee: The other other democrat.
Jim Webb: The other other other democrat.
Jeb Bush: Bush the third. But he smoked weed once 20 years ago, so that makes him really cool and “hip.”
Ben Carson: An old neurosurgeon who is in love with Donald Trump, and was actually doing really good until everyone decided to start caring way too heavily about the fact that he thinks the pyramids were used for grain storage.
Chris Christie: The guy who immediately regretted his decision to support Trump, as evident by his face at the Trump speech.
Ted Cruz – A Texas man who bears a rather very, very, very strong resemblance to a chimpanzee.
Carly Fiorina – The other woman “non-Hilary” candidate.
Jim Gilmore – The governor of Virginia that even Virginian citizens don’t know who he is.
Lindsay Graham – The “Princess Buttercup would not approve” guy.
Mick Huckabee – Another necessary old white guy for prez (possibly the owner of Huck Finn’s warehouse?).
John Kasich – A old dude who can’t admit defeat and will be the reason that Donald Trump becomes the GOP nominee for 2016. Woooo, yeah Kasich!
Bobby Jindal – His real name isn’t Bobby. It’s Piyush. Piyush.
George Pattaki – Okay, even I’m out of ideas for what to say about these people. He’s…some guy?
Rand Paul – A man who only left the race after it was discovered that he was actually a libertarian impersonating a Republican. Also, his wife has more internet searches than him.
Rick Perry – A GOP candidate turned corn-dog-eating internet meme.
Marco Rubio – The Florida man who said that Trump had a small penis after intensely noting the size of Trump’s hands.
Rick Santorum – The man who blames gay pornography for the existence of gay people.
Donald Trump – Adolph Hitler the sequel.
Scott Walker – Some dude from Wisconsin, which is the US equivalent of Tajikistan: unheard of by pretty much everyone that doesn’t live there.
Vermin Supreme – The only candidate who wants to prepare us for the zombie apocalypse. Also the only candidate to get kicked out of the Unknown Candidates Debate.
Limberbutt McCubbins – A cat running for president. A cat running for president. Besides Donald Trump, he’s easily the cutest and most snuggly candidate.
Deez Nuts – The man who polled 10% of the North Carolina vote. 10%. Take that, Marco Rubio.
Now, that should cover the important guys. If there is anyone we left out, please don’t bother to tell us, because we don’t really care. I mean, we already went so far as to put in Jim Gilmore. We made fun of no one knowing about Kasich in the beginning, but really, who the F is Jim Gilmore?
Oh yeah, and one more thing: Vote Limberbutt, 2016.