You know the drill. Answer these questions and there is a 100% chance we totally guessed what person you are. And if none of these match you, well then get off of our website.
So. Welcome to our list of literally the top 100 worst things of all time. These are things that I hate, things that I despise. And these are things that you should hate and despise as well. Because they are such hate-able and despise-able things.
Honestly, if you feel in any way offended by the true facts told in this article, feel free to leave a comment in the comments section below. I will enjoy deleting your comment because of my lack of caring about your stupid and wrong opinion. But first, to quote a fairly annoying man we all know, I will respond “WRONG”. Then I will delete you.
So. Start reading this list. Have at it. Try not to literally explode with all the hate you will be feeling when you read this article. Or try not to explode with joy, as you will be quite joyed to see someone finally say what all us intelligent people have always been thinking.
At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.
[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]
You may have seen the numerous posters around the school, wondering if you, presumed student or staff member of Greenville, are interested in a brand new* laptop. It doesn`t take someone with an IQ higher than one of Sasquatch`s gophers to put together that these computers are the very same relics the library has been using for the past decade, that the school is now attempting to pawn off on to the masses.
Breaking News! An epidemic has been travelling around the Macaroni Report staff like a wildfire! After the vending machine, unicorn, and multiple members of our mail-room fell ill in the last few months, we called in our resident doctor, intern #433, to analyze this previously undiscovered illness.
It’s that time of year again. All the little Greenvillians are running off to devour chocolate and search their yards for Easter eggs… not really. This “Easter” break will be a little different, seeing as this year it is not Easter break. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy yourself. We at the Macaroni like to embrace our inner “spring-break-TV-show-on-MTV” side and go on a company vacation each year. This year, we’re going to the beach. That means that most likely you won’t be seeing any articles over break, seeing as we have better things to do, but hey, you never know. And we can assure you, the Master and his evil NHS minions will never get a hold of our account this time, since the Broom Closet Sasquatch is leaving his magic gophers behind to guard our facility. That being said we hope that you enjoy yourselves! Try not to die via a pot or get brainwashed by IB courses or become a Trump supporter over break. We hope you don’t, as we still value you (mainly because you increase our viewer count). So, happy break from the Head Chef, Kitchenette Intern, Mailroom crew (CEO, VP, and Subordinate), the boilerroom interns, Dr. Kierbutt, our archival committee, Broom Closet Sasquatch, Richard Nixon, the Furnace Dragon, and our magic gopher pets.
As pretty much everyone in Greenville now knows, something has gone horribly wrong. After an entire winter of no snow-days, a large snowstorm has decided to show up and give us a snow-day on April 4th.
After consulting with numerous weathermen/women, staring out the window, and reading the idiot’s guide to meteorology, I have determined that this is an elaborate prank being played on us by Mother Nature. The only logical conclusion to be drawn is that Mother Nature has specifically chosen to withhold the snow in order to spit in the face of the Greenville Board of Education, seeing as they have already granted us some extra days off to compensate for the lack of snow-days. She must have been concocting this evil plot for months. However, by some calendar mishap, she sent this snowstorm 3 days later than originally intended. This in the end benefited most of the little Greenvillians, as Mother Nature’s clever ploy did not overshadow the pathetic “April Fool’s Jokes” of Greenville; namely the hiding of alarm clocks in the band room, and the taping of Hulk pictures to Mr. Siebrecht’s door (we’re not mentioning any names, but we know who you are).
We originally consulted the Broom Closet Sasquatch on the subject, realizing our mistake too late. Despite his claims that he is a “weather expert”, he fabricated lies about how the weird weather is a sign of climate change. Of course, this can’t possibly be true, as everyone knows that climate change is a synonym for global warming, so how could snow be a sign of warming? Who cares about those months of warm winter weather, were talking about snow in April here.
In other news, there has recently been a tripling in the reported cases of frostbite, as the rednecks who insist on wearing shorts and t-shirts the moment the temp first hits above freezing were caught off guard by the sudden change in weather.