At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.
[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]
Continue reading “The Year in Macaroni”
In case you haven’t noticed, in the last few week there has been multiple problems with the Greenville school’s water supply. Multiple times our water has become “contaminated.” The Greenville town has attempted to cover up the causes of the contaminations, claiming that they were caused by things such as “uncontrollable leaks”, “weather patterns”, “natural runoff”, and even “bears.” However, our own investigative inquiry has discovered the truth; it’s all the useless roof workers fault.
Continue reading “Greenville confused by the fact that no, the water supply and the sewers are not the same thing”
Breaking: Greenvilites across the school district are having their minds effectively obliterated by the latest happenstance in a long line of water related occurrences. What one might ask is the latest instance of Tom foolery? Chocolate milk dispensing water fountains. Yes, you read that right, the fountains here at GCS now dispense chocolate milk! No longer will the common folk of GCS be oppressed by the evil that is water (regardless of it’s importance in milk’s composition), and all it took was around five or so water main breaks over the course of a month as well as the much more widely acknowledged integration of cows into our water production and storage facilities. We here at The Macaroni Report recommend exclusively consuming this new milk from now until the stockpile of it in the pipes runs dry.
–Intern No. 834
Breaking: Once again the next-gen construction crews of Greenville have managed to break the water main during their marathon production of no sidewalk. The break was announced to staff through an email around 10:55 – 11:00 AM and students were only notified 15-20 minutes later through a public announcement at 11:15.
We would like to make note that apparently the time that water must be restored by in order for the school to not evacuate is 2 hours, not the 45 minutes we reporter earlier. Either way however the water will still probably be brown for a solid 10 minutes (or however long it takes people it to start drinking the fountain water again) after the water is restored.
“Don’t drink the water”
–Intern No. 803
[OPERATION BIGMAC] Struck by the distant but ever lingering 2008 financial crisis, the Underwater Basket Weaving Committee (or UWBWC) has been experiencing significant revenue and member loss after it was determined in 2008 that underwater basket weaving was and is still not a valuable degree to waste thousands of dollars on. Shocked by the discovery, the UWBWC has issued several statements in response namely in order to reassure members that underwater basket weaving is in-fact “still a valuable and promising degree for all your tropical themed careers”.
Continue reading “Changes and Controversy Come to Underwater Basket Weaving Committee (UWBWC)”
It’s no secret to the general populous that the ever money hungry GCS School District takes every possible opportunity to bring students into school when the schools surrounding district are delayed in order to receive the most amount of federal funding possible, but what if there was something more sinister to it? What if it was more SINISTER? WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES IN THE LUNCH ROOM?!?! The truth is, as our in depth 58 second investigation has found, that the school has a secret pact with local rain boot manufacturers. The way it works is that every time the school would normally be delayed, the district keeps it open. Then as a result, everyone goes out and buys boots so that they can march through the slurry of snow and rain. This in turn leads to boat loads (the roads for the money trucks was flooded) of cash flowing into the boot company’s pockets. They then in turn give a percentage of the profit to the cash-strapped school who also gets federal funding for being open. ITS SO CRAZY EVIL THAT SOME OF OUR INTERNS CRIED READING THIS!
But not only is there one evil plan in action, but two! The school also cut a deal with the umbrella companies too! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO THEIR EVIL?
Remember loyal readers, The Macaroni Report is always here to alert you of evil plots and dastardly lizards so read on!
-Intern No. 67
If you’ve visited the Greenville Central School district recently (read: today), you’ve probably noticed the ongoing background hum resembling about a million angry wasps (or bees if you were particularly stupid). The truth is that there was not, infact, a million flying stinging insects within the school somewhere, but rather the large array of dehumidifiers and weird floor sucking things that were put in place to contain results of a failed attempt at creating an ice rink for the hockey unit that was scheduled to begin today (2/22/2016).
The incident started on Friday when one gym teacher thought that it would be an excellent idea to create an ice rink for the upcoming hockey unit for their gym classes. Armed with nothing but a hose and keys to the hallways connecting to the outdoors, the gym teacher admitted to filling the entirety of the Greenville Highschool gym with water to the point where not even Moses could part it. Knowing that if the floor was not de-flooded soon it would buckle the gym teacher quickly moved to open all the doors to the freezing cold that was outside. A short while later the gym was ~10 degrees f. and as a result all of the water froze. “Mission accomplished!”, the gym teacher thought. After locking all the doors once more, the gym teacher left the building and head home. Unfortunately for the gym teacher, they were not aware that even the hilariously broken heating system that Greenville is famous for was capable of realizing that something was wrong when a large portion of the building moved to below freezing. Subsequently it kicked into full force and roasted the entire building to a molten 1200 degrees f.
Come this morning the administrators of Greenville CSD discovered after unlocking the school that there was a flood within the school second only to the tsunamis that plagued southern Asia in 2004. The dehumidifiers and floor sucky things have been put up to deal with the water since then.
-Intern No. 87