Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.

With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.

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Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Literally the Top 100 Worst Things of all Time

So. Welcome to our list of literally the top 100 worst things of all time. These are things that I hate, things that I despise. And these are things that you should hate and despise as well. Because they are such hate-able and despise-able things.

Honestly, if you feel in any way offended by the true facts told in this article, feel free to leave a comment in the comments section below. I will enjoy deleting your comment because of my lack of caring about your stupid and wrong opinion. But first, to quote a fairly annoying man we all know, I will respond “WRONG”. Then I will delete you.

So. Start reading this list. Have at it. Try not to literally explode with all the hate you will be feeling when you read this article. Or try not to explode with joy, as you will be quite joyed to see someone finally say what all us intelligent people have always been thinking.

Continue reading “Literally the Top 100 Worst Things of all Time”

Literally the Top 100 Worst Things of all Time

The Year in Macaroni

At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.

[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]

Continue reading “The Year in Macaroni”

The Year in Macaroni

Women and The Macaroni Report

Today, as I am sure you are aware, is International Women’s Day. A day we here at the Macaroni Report cherish because of its historic roots in the Soviet Socialist movement. If you are like our entire staff and you have male genitalia, you’re probably wondering, “when is International Men’s Day?” Well that day, dear reader, is literally every other day of the year. So, International Women’s Day is more than a celebration of females but a time to reflect on how terrible we men are. Tomorrow, we will go about our manly business forgetting that this holiday even existed so today thank a woman or do ¬†whatever the hell your supposed do on International Women’s Day.

The fact that we at the Macaroni Report have an all male staff is not a blemish on our otherwise progressive record. Rather, we pride ourselves on the fact that we pay everyone equally (mainly because no one here gets paid). But let us assure you, if a woman were to join our staff, she would not be paid either. In fact, at today’s rates, women should be paying us to join.

At this point in my article, I now realize what the intention of an International Women’s Day is. It is to get men to shut up about a “woman’s place” in society. So I’ll leave it at that and conclude with a quote from my fellow man Joseph Conrad:

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealings with men.” -JC

Women and The Macaroni Report