Over the past three months or so, it has been commonly asked why our beloved department has been absent from the face of the Earth and more important from the face of the macaroni report. The answer is simple dear readers, we’ve been to the future. And when I say we, I of course mean myself, I just happen to have a fondness of speaking in the royal “we”… Ahem anyway, you the public must know what to fear, how to fear it and what to do to deal with this fear. (We get more funding every-time someone reports a problem of any sort, is it because we’re evil, or simply because someone accidentally thought we were NASA? Who the heck knows)
Today’s fear factor that is endangering your health is none-other then the infamous future! Our amazing studies not only that 10 out of 10 people die in the future! This can only be explained by the fact that the future does indeed kill, and kills all. Which we guess is nice, with so much discrimination it’s nice to know that there’s a force out there that simply doesn’t give a rats patootie what color your skin is, how much money you have, or if you have an attraction to anthropomorphic animals.
Nonetheless as it is our goal to keep you, the reader, as safe as possible. Hence we suggest staying as far away from the future as possible. We don’t suggest going into past however, as all the people who the future has killed are lingering there, waiting to eat your brains, as it is commonly known, past dead people are actually zombies. Ironically the present isn’t safe either as it has a sneaky persistence in becoming the future at a consent rate of forever divided the time of now, and being caught off guard by the future will most certainly make you one of the ten out ten future victims of the future.
Thus our suggestion for avoiding the future is rather simple, find a pocket in space and time wherein time does not exit and doesn’t affect any sort of temporal gobbled gook . Contact your local Flying Spaghetti Monster for more information
Remember we are here for you
-Archivist4242
The Macaroni Report 