Surprising Lack of Spirits This Week

The latest iteration of Greenville School’s Spirits Week* has proven rather disappointing for this reporter.

Against all odds, grass begins growing on the Hellscape that is Greenville’s lawn

In a shocking turn of events, witnesses report that GRASS has been growing on Greenville’s lawn. It has been long thought by most reputable scientists that such a feat would be impossible, seeing as the soil in Greenville’s lawn is composed of a toxic mix of 85% asbestos and 15% left-over food from the Greenville cafeteria – which is possibly even more poisonous than the asbestos.

This of course comes as a shock, as it was long assumed that after Greenville tore up their own lawn in a hare-brained plot, nothing would ever be able to grow in that wasteland ever again. But shockingly, our reporters have been able to confirm the rumors: there IS grass starting to spout there.

Multiple scientists have weighed in their own opinions, and approximately 60% of scientists have agreed; the only possible explanation is that some advanced form of super grass has evolved.

Recently in the news there has been a great fear of superbugs, but now, super grass is the new greatest threat to humanity’s survival. If grass can actually grow in the shattered remains of Greenville’s back field, what is to prevent it from growing anywhere? In our schools? In our department stores? In our bathrooms? In Mr. Siebrecht’s perfectly maintained history room? If such a horrific incident like that could occur, what could possibly prevent the invasive super-grass from migrating to Siebrecht’s also perfectly maintained shiny bald scalp? All of society would certainly crumble if such an event were to occur, and Mr. Siebrecht would certainly lose his cookies.

Whatever you do Greenvillians, do not trust this mysterious grass. We’d recommend against walking on it, rolling on it, intensely staring at it, or eating it (yes we’re looking at you Broomcloset Sasquatch) until further scientific research can be acquired.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

First Annual ‘Murica Monday Proclaimed a Total Failure

As spirit week kicked off this year, there was a resounding difference from the previous years. Strangely, Color Day, a longstanding favorite among the Greenville student body, was thrown out of spirit week, to be replaced by the first annual Nationalistic Brainwashing Day, or “‘Murica Monday” as it is known by the Greenville student body.

IM BACK! Rant #2 Work, School, etc…

I’M BACK BOYS AND GIRLS AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME THIS TIME!!!! MWAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Alright. Now that that’s out of my system, I’m back. It’s been a long time since I’ve written an article that actually contains some real merit so I’m going back to my rant that I started and never followed up on. Here we talk about the unrealistic expectations set upon us by “The Man”. 

Over the summer, as I’m sure none of you know or really care, I got a job. As a summer job, this was honestly one of the best things I could’ve done for myself. I got my lazy pudge off the couch and got some money along the way. Granted, this did add some stress to my life and brought some deep issues to the surface but I’m in the process of fixing it all. No real issues came about from my job. Honestly, I wouldn’t take back getting this job. I do really enjoy it. I just wash some dishes at the Bavarian Manor (shameless plug). And I actually got to meet a really cute girl there who I do really like. It’s, overall, been a grand ol time. 

Now that school has come around, however, I’ve encountered a bit of a conflict and am in a rather precarious situation. I lack time to do a lot of school work and it’s just really exhausting to work until 10:30. Heck. I didn’t get to bed last night until 12 something. Learning to balance these two things has proven to be quite an arduous task, much more than I’d anticipated at first. I’m actually quite embarrassed by my lack of control over my current situation. It has gotten easier over the past week but I do foresee many complications as my boss pushes for increased hours. 

I do know I’m not the only one in this situation and to all of those who do this as well, goddamn do I respect you. And I’m also thinking about the near future. I’ll be doing sports stuff soon. I’d originally planned on doing cross country but that fell through for reasons I’d rather not admit. In hindsight, I don’t know if I could’ve handled all of that. I’m falling behind on work as we speak and I’m at the point where I kinda just accept my situation. 

Well, that’s all I’ll subject you fine little noodles for today. But you all know I’ll be back. Have a fine and cheesy day sonnies. 

In the Face of the Impending Election, Uncle Sam considers Doctor Assisted Suicide

As the infamous election day in November draws ever closer, the legendary Uncle Sam has revealed to the public that he has been consulting his doctor about his options for a doctor assisted suicide.

Johnny Pockets

So I was in the cafeteria today, observing everyone instead of socializing, as per usual, and heard someone talking about something interesting as I went to leave the crowded room as the lunch mothers started moving all the tables around.

Why are pants without pockets a thing? 

At first I was wondering why this bothered the kid, but then it dawned on me, that I agree. Yes, I agree, this is a stupid article concept, but lets be real, if you know me, I talk about a lot of stupid stuff.

A long overdue Announcement

Hey Macaroni readers! We’re here to make a public service announcement that honestly should have been made months ago, but I mean we’re the Macaroni Report, we don’t do things timely, if at all.

So the announcement is: the Head Chef has been replaced.

That’s right, we got sick of that bastard so we sent him off to the Hudson Valley Community Prison Camp to live out the rest of his days, however few they may be. Of course, this left a power vacuum, but this problem was quickly solved. I, the amazing Kitchenette Intern, was put in command of the Macaroni. However, the majority of the Macaroni staff quickly realized that was a bad idea because I am legally insane, so I was turned into a “co-Head Chef”, with the Mail Room VP being put into co-command to temper my general craziness. Of course, the Mail Room VP is completely insane when it comes to the topic of mail, but otherwise he’s perfectly normal.

Of course, everyone knows who the dominant male is in this relationship. And of course there is also the fact that the Mail Room VP has disappeared in the last few days, so in his absence I have taken total dictatorial control of the Macaroni. I assure you dear reader that I am putting all of my resources (of which there are none) into finding my co-Head Chef partner. Every Macaroni employee (excluding myself of course) is being investigated for potential espionage. We will get to the bottom of this, and I am not just saying this to appear not guilty, that’s a stupid idea.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Grandmaster Dictator Head Chef Boss Dude

 

 

(P.S. Original Head Chef you suck!!!!)

Presumptive Valedictorian Decides to Major in Dance

Inspiration abounds in Greenville today after an emotional presentation by WWE Champion and former mustache wearer, Marc Mero. Mero not only provided the school with enough tears to fill an in-ground swimming pool, but with the inspiration to dig it themselves.

Local Students Back on the Streets After Losing Summer Jobs

The enclosed document was recovered from a journal found at the scene of a disappearance.

At approximately 3:30 PM on September 16th, 2016 emergency services received a call claiming that an employee at a local Super-Legit News publication, The Macaroni Report, had vanished. The missing person has been described as an agoraphobic, making an unexpected exit unlikely. Some evidence is enclosed in the journal of the missing person, and The Macaroni has agreed to its publication for the purpose of finding them. Anyone with information on the missing person is encouraged to contact The Macaroni Report, as law enforcement “just can’t take this seriously.”

Greenville demolishes own gym and grounds in an attempt to collect money for soccer scoreboard

In the latest “intelligent” decision of the Greevnille management, a special initiative has been enacted to fund a scoreboard at the upper soccer field behind the school. Since it is a well known fact that Greenville has absolutely no money – at ALL -they have had no choice but to resort to “uncivilized” tactics in an attempt to earn the necessary funds. These tactics include literally tearing down the entire HS gym and ripping the other “less useful” Greenville fields out of the ground.