Report: Restless Macaroni Report Turning in Shallow Grave

The Official (Alternative) Report #1

Hello to all you US citizens/deplorables! My name is Sean Spicer, and by order of the President, all news publications are being asked to report a once a week (or so) official news report about everything going on in the White House and beyond! This is part of the White House’s campaign to eradicate fake news and ensure that every US citizen has access to only the true facts about the running and current going-ons of the country, free from media bias and/or factual statements. So here it is, the first official statement from the White House!

Some Fun Alternative Facts to Start Your Day

Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.

Here are some fun Alternative Facts to start your day.

Nations pay their respects to ‘Murica

Today marks the day that our great nation of ‘Murica officially died. The inauguration speech (AKA the official pronouncement of death of our genuinely amazing country) has already been delayed as nations from around the world pay respects to the dictatorial power they always hoped would die soon, but not quite like this.

Bruh

So, that article I’ve been mentioning for like 3 weeks now. Well, it’s gone. Word Press decided that I needed a good fisting and deleted the entire thing. I’ll be working to the best of my ability to continue writing and get a full length article out as soon as possible.

I’d like to request a moment of silence for my article as I go cry.

Math Addict Pushes His Product in Greenville

Breaking News: Students in danger! While many parents have been confident that their children study in a school district free from destructive influences, this is not the case. We’re here to warn you: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!

Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.

With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.

Helpful Tips from the Closet

Hey there everyone, I’m back. Apparently it’s still illegal to enter peoples houses without permission, and even worse so if you attempt to talk to their children while dressed as Santa. Who Knew? Anyways it all worked out: I got a couple of restraining orders, and the jury at my trial let me go because they thought I was this gorilla guy. I think his name was Hippo or something?  Anyway since I’ve now inhabited just about every situation life with humans has to offer, I figure I’ll give some advice to help you all with your own lives. For the next few weeks, I’ll be releasing chapters from my new book “Coming out of the Closet”, which will let you all know a little more about me. They story will start based on my time living in the woods, and progress through my time in society to my eventual imprisonment. Stay tuned.

-BCS

Back From Break

I hope all of you had a wonderful break. I hope all of you saw family and friends and got everything you wanted for Christmas or Hanukkah or, hell, Kwanzaa. We weren’t gifted with all that much snow but, after all 2016 had given us, what did we expect?

There was a buffer on articles on my end but there’s one in the works. I can’t promise that it’ll be anything more than trash but it’s an article, no less. I most definitely intend on continuing my story series, given some positive feedback from the first one. These are proving much more difficult to write than I’d originally anticipated so they will be coming out at different intervals. This is mostly due to the fact that I’m attempting to broaden my spectrum of writing. Not to mention that I’ve had less to write about than I did last year.

So, this is my brief update. Again, hope you all had a good break and recover well enough to do some school stuff.

Christmas Wish List of a Greenville Student

 

Dear Santa Paws (sorry this is late, buutttt I’ve been *fairly* nice this year so maybe you can do one more Christmas miracle and fly out of the North Pole to Greenville?),