Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.
Donald J. “The Donald” Trump and his wife Melania “A Melania” Trump casting their votes today
While visiting the polling station today with his wife, Melania, Trump realized he doesn’t know how to cast a vote. He leaned over to see his wife’s paper, not unlike a 3rd grader during a Math Test, making sure he put the right answer.
“Frankly, the whole system is a mess,” Trump explained to the press afterwards. “I’ll be honest, I did look on my wife’s ballot. I wanted to be sure that she was voting for a good candidate, and now I am. She told me that she had voted for me when she had finished, but I didn’t understand it. She had checked off Hillary! So I still wasn’t sure, so I checked with the next person at the booth, who also told me that they were voting for me. And then a few more people after that, okay? And they all voted for me, but none of them checked off Trump.”
“It’s so confusing, you can literally check off any box and it will be a vote for me. What if someone wants to vote for crooked Hillary, or pothead Johnson? They should be able to!” Trump exclaimed heroically. “So, just to support a candidate that won’t be receiving any votes, I checked off the box for Hillary. Y’know I’m a gentleman, no one respects women more than me. I think Hillary deserves a vote, even if she is a woman. Sadly, that vote’s still gonna go to me, but at least in spirit, she’ll be getting a vote.”
What a gentleman. No one respects women more than him.
The Macaroni Report 