Some Fun Alternative Facts to Start Your Day

Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.

Here are some fun Alternative Facts to start your day.

1. Canada has officially been annexed as the 52nd state of the USA.
2. There is a snow day today, so I don’t have to come into school.
3. Donald Trump’s IQ is one of the highest.
4. The rest of the universe revolves around the Earth.
5. Mike Pence is descended from Thor, god of Thunder
6. The Earth is flat.
7. The Women’s March never occurred.
8. Star Wars Ep. VIII will be titled “Eight Leads to Suffering”
9. George Bush never actually left the White House.
10. A group of Science, Math, or English teachers is called a department, but a group of History teachers is called a SHINE.
11. The Dakota Access Pipeline will never have any negative social, economic, or environmental repercussions.
12. Ghostbusters (2016) is a superior film to the original.
13. Trump did not a film and upload a 96 episode vlog to Youtube. Especially not one full of hypocrisy, poor trains of thought, or criticism Ghostbusters (2016)
14. Mail is not important.
15. Obama was born, raised, and buried in the nation of Kenya. He never became a citizen of or inhabited the United States.
16. Curling is a sport.
17. Global Warming? No
18. The Macaroni Report is trash.
19. Abortion and homosexuality will cease to exist if they are banned, just like alcohol.
20. AP Calculus doesn’t hurt my self esteem.
21. Melania is already a better FLOTUS than Michelle.
22. Senior Seminar is only useful to Senior students. Juniors couldn’t benefit from it at all.
23. Dude, that’s a nice cabinet.
24. Cinderella doesn’t have mental health issues.
25. I voted for Donald Trump because of his policies, not because he’s thicc.

Thanks for respecting my facts

–MailRoom Intern No. 2