The Official (Alternative) Report #1

Hello to all you US citizens/deplorables! My name is Sean Spicer, and by order of the President, all news publications are being asked to report a once a week (or so) official news report about everything going on in the White House and beyond! This is part of the White House’s campaign to eradicate fake news and ensure that every US citizen has access to only the true facts about the running and current going-ons of the country, free from media bias and/or factual statements. So here it is, the first official statement from the White House!

Some Fun Alternative Facts to Start Your Day

Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.

Here are some fun Alternative Facts to start your day.

Nations pay their respects to ‘Murica

Today marks the day that our great nation of ‘Murica officially died. The inauguration speech (AKA the official pronouncement of death of our genuinely amazing country) has already been delayed as nations from around the world pay respects to the dictatorial power they always hoped would die soon, but not quite like this.

Math Addict Pushes His Product in Greenville

Breaking News: Students in danger! While many parents have been confident that their children study in a school district free from destructive influences, this is not the case. We’re here to warn you: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!

Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.

With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.

Significant: The Postal Service in Holiday Film

We’ve decorated Macaroni HQ for our upcoming Christmas Party, and it’s got us thinking. While the interns string up lights around their cubicles, and boiler room workers roast chestnuts over the furnace, we MailRoom Interns have been burning our eyeballs out watching Christmas movies. The three of us interns, the MailRoom CEO, and this mannequin wearing MailRoom VP’s name tag haven’t stopped watching our festive favorites for the past week. And it’s made us more productive than ever! Not in terms of actually sorting and shipping mail, but in terms of deep thought. Apart from glue-sniffing induced ramblings, this is the most active conversation we’ve had in a long time, and we’d like to share our thoughts with you. Here’s what we have to say about the portrayal of the postal service in Christmas movies:

Sport Facilities Finally Finished

[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #4]

In Greenville, our gym has been under construction for the past couple of months/years. The good news is that the HS gym is complete, and it has many new, if boring features, including the maroon bleachers on one side of the gym [Editor’s Note: Not new, we always has maroon bleachers you fools], and the new LEAD scoreboards and shot clocks. There is brand new floors with customized paint, new wall pain, and finally a new dividing curtain to replace the old fold out wall, all of which surprisingly only contain double the legal limit of asbestos. “It will truly make a great athletic environment for basketball, volleyball, and wrestling, but no other sports. Additionally, it will make a great environment for the most useless course, physical education,” says a gym teacher.

As well as Greenville receiving a new High School gym, we’ve also received new and just-as-useless soccer scoreboards. The new scoreboards are meant to finally keep Greenville up to date with the year 1995. The people watching now have a slightly better understanding of the otherwise incomprehensible time period of the game as well as the score of the game, which is well-documented as being impossible to remember. The referees can also stop the clock whenever they feel like being dicks (AKA all the time).

And through this all, Greenville STILL hasn’t fixed that leak in the roof.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Pokemon Go Idiot Stories

[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #3]

The very well known app Pokemon Go appeared in the app store on July 6th 2016, and was a huge hit within the hour it launched. Throughout the months, there have been some pretty idiotic stories about people being total dumbasses while playing Pokemon Go. 

New Tables and chairs: Bad

[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #2]

A few of the classes have been foolishly given new tables and chairs in a search to find something to do with the budget money other than actually create a better environment for learning. So there is no question, this was a bad idea.

Literally the Top 100 Worst Things of all Time

So. Welcome to our list of literally the top 100 worst things of all time. These are things that I hate, things that I despise. And these are things that you should hate and despise as well. Because they are such hate-able and despise-able things.

Honestly, if you feel in any way offended by the true facts told in this article, feel free to leave a comment in the comments section below. I will enjoy deleting your comment because of my lack of caring about your stupid and wrong opinion. But first, to quote a fairly annoying man we all know, I will respond “WRONG”. Then I will delete you.

So. Start reading this list. Have at it. Try not to literally explode with all the hate you will be feeling when you read this article. Or try not to explode with joy, as you will be quite joyed to see someone finally say what all us intelligent people have always been thinking.