The Official (Alternative) Report #1

Hello to all you US citizens/deplorables! My name is Sean Spicer, and by order of the President, all news publications are being asked to report a once a week (or so) official news report about everything going on in the White House and beyond! This is part of the White House’s campaign to eradicate fake news and ensure that every US citizen has access to only the true facts about the running and current going-ons of the country, free from media bias and/or factual statements. So here it is, the first official statement from the White House!

Trump has officially gotten off to a great start in the White House! He has immediately gotten to work planning to dismantle the ACA (for those uninformed citizens out there, ACA stands for Atrocious Care Act). Despite common media misconceptions, we can assure you that there is a plan in place to replace the ACA when we obliterate it next Tuesday. We can’t tell you what it is, but everybody will have health insurance. Trust us.

Hey did I mention that I hate Dippin’ Dots?

Trump has also advanced many of his other campaign promises.  The border wall shall soon begin construction, and it will create thousands of millions of permanent jobs in the United States. Mexico has already agreed to completely reimburse us, they just don’t know it yet.

By the way, Dippin’ Dots are the ice cream of the past, not the future. Just thought you needed to know that.

Construction has officially been reopened on the Dakota Access and the Keystone Pipeline. Reports of the environmental damages that can be caused by their construction are greatly exaggerated, and quite frankly wouldn’t be that big of a deal anyway. Meanwhile, these projects, like the border wall, will create ones of millions of new jobs that will not go away immediately after the wall – I mean pipes – finish construction.

FYI, Dippin’ Dots filed for bankruptcy in 2011. What losers.

Recently many citizens have been worried about government censorship – though I can assure you the number of citizens worried is far less than CNN may tell you. It is true, certain elements of the government have been temporarily quarantined/contained/alternative-facticized, such as the EPA and the Black Hills National Park. However, the EPA shutdown was a shutdown done in official response to classified leaks stating that the EPA funding is being cut – classified leaks that endanger the lives of hundreds of US soldiers overseas, we may add. Meanwhile, the shutdown of the Black Hills National Park Twitter account was in specific response to multiple vicious attacks on our current President posted on the account – we’ve never heard facts about Climate Change stated so aggressively before.

Seriously, don’t you dare eat any Dippin’ Dots.

We can also promise all citizens that Donald Trump has already saved 14 billion human lives by cutting funding to all fetus murdering organizations worldwide. This has officially made him the most humanitarian president on record. However, it has already been confirmed that unconfirmed voter fraud will cause him to lose the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize.

Trump has also made moves to protect the interest of average US citizens by stopping the creation of the Trans Pacific – you know what, seriously, fuck Dippin’ Dots.

I leave you today promising that while Trump has already used more executive actions than Obama did during his entire first term, Trump’s are all going to just and righteous causes, whether it be saving trillions of human embryos, or stopping the slander that is carbon emission statistics. And hopefully his next executive action will be to forcibly dismantle the horrible excuse for ice cream that is Dippin’ Dots, and we shall all relish in its death.

Live alternatively.

-Sean Spicer

spice-it-up

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The Official (Alternative) Report #1

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