Today marks the day that our great nation of ‘Murica officially died. The inauguration speech (AKA the official pronouncement of death of our genuinely amazing country) has already been delayed as nations from around the world pay respects to the dictatorial power they always hoped would die soon, but not quite like this.
The craziness started with Canada, who as usual was politely hours early to the party. A brigade of moose could be seen by spectators walking down the National Mall, bearing gifts of Maple Syrup, beaver pelts, and Tim Horton’s gift cards which would sadly never get to be used by old Uncle Sam because his death was just coming on too fast.
China, or Japan, or just one of those Asian countries sent over a boat-load of fortune cookies, and the mighty nation of Great Britain actually dug into their coveted tea reserve to give us a packet or two.
In honor of our great new president, the Mexican president decided to bury the hatchet and sent over some taco bowls, well known to be the best Hispanic food in the eyes of our soon-to-be-dictator.
The Germans gave us two chains of sausage links, while the French sent us a bottle of their finest wine and one moldy chunk of Brie cheese. Turkey apparently has a sense of humor, because they sent us some chicken.
Even Vladimir Putin, distraught by the loss of his beloved capitalist buddies to the west, promised to honor our memory by conquering the shattered remains of our land of the free and waving a Russian flag (well known as a symbol of democracy and human rights) above the scorched battle ground.
Most of the other countries chose to chip in a little, Zimbabwe even going so far as to send one whole kernel of corn, which reportedly doubled their national debt and lead to the starvation of five children.
It seems that everyone wanted to honor a nation that, while it burned brightly-ish for 200-odd years, eventually succumbed to a funny-haired orange man as all nations inevitably do.
Rest In Peace.
-Kitchenette Dictator who is less dictatorial than our current dictator