Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.
Breaking News: Students in danger!While many parents have been confident that their children study in a school district free from destructive influences, this is not the case. We’re here to warn you: YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER!
Shocking nobody, Greenville School District has recently revealed that water in the high school is tainted with lead. Some people were just relieved that it wasn’t another round of sewage, as was common this spring. The taste still hasn’t fully rinsed out of the pipes from when the town construction workers, in perhaps a biblical tribute in spirit of Easter, turned water not to wine, but to human waste.
As publicized here a few days ago, the Macaroni Report’s first international, trans-continental triathlon (more like stalk-a-thon, let’s be real) is underway. Undoubtedly, the Broom Closet Sasquatch is behind this deluded scheme, as it reeks of him almost as much as the drainage ditch out behind the Macaroni offices.
The Maroon Report has finally been published, you know what that means? Operation BigMac is back! That’s right people, we are ready for a full on Maroon-Report-parody-a-thon, so get ready for literally like every Maroon Report article to get parodied. Don’t you love it what happens.
This week there is literally nothing. You’d think that it just being thanksgiving, there’d be something. You’d think that Donald Trump being our president, there’d be something. Anything. But alas, the well of ideas that has barely kept the Macaroni Report semi-alive for the last few pitiful months has finally dried up. There’s nothing left. Unless something happens very soon, it seems our ship has sunk. About the only thing that could hope to save us now is the publishing of a certain school official newspaper for us to vandalize and parody (hmm I wonder what institution we’re talking about there), but let’s face it, that’s not gonna happen. Then again, most of the news also said the orange man wouldn’t be our president so who even knows at this point. So what am I saying basically? Here are my points:
The world is boring.
The Maroon Report is slow.
That’s about it.
So basically, A.) if you are a person reading this, make something interesting happen. Please. We’re dying over here. B.) If you are a maroon report staffer reading this (there is no overlap between the two [ROAST]), please, publish your newspaper. We’re waiting.
So, is there some value to this article? Yeah actually there kinda is. When we’re bored, we do crazy shit. So look at this.
Donald J. “The Donald” Trump and his wife Melania “A Melania” Trump casting their votes today
While visiting the polling station today with his wife, Melania, Trump realized he doesn’t know how to cast a vote. He leaned over to see his wife’s paper, not unlike a 3rd grader during a Math Test, making sure he put the right answer.
“Frankly, the whole system is a mess,” Trump explained to the press afterwards. “I’ll be honest, I did look on my wife’s ballot. I wanted to be sure that she was voting for a good candidate, and now I am. She told me that she had voted for me when she had finished, but I didn’t understand it. She had checked off Hillary! So I still wasn’t sure, so I checked with the next person at the booth, who also told me that they were voting for me. And then a few more people after that, okay? And they all voted for me, but none of them checked off Trump.”
“It’s so confusing, you can literally check off any box and it will be a vote for me. What if someone wants to vote for crooked Hillary, or pothead Johnson? They should be able to!” Trump exclaimed heroically. “So, just to support a candidate that won’t be receiving any votes, I checked off the box for Hillary. Y’know I’m a gentleman, no one respects women more than me. I think Hillary deserves a vote, even if she is a woman. Sadly, that vote’s still gonna go to me, but at least in spirit, she’ll be getting a vote.”
What a gentleman. No one respects women more than him.
The Macaroni Report 