The Official (Alternative) Report #1

Hello to all you US citizens/deplorables! My name is Sean Spicer, and by order of the President, all news publications are being asked to report a once a week (or so) official news report about everything going on in the White House and beyond! This is part of the White House’s campaign to eradicate fake news and ensure that every US citizen has access to only the true facts about the running and current going-ons of the country, free from media bias and/or factual statements. So here it is, the first official statement from the White House!

Some Fun Alternative Facts to Start Your Day

Recently, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, reported that last week’s Presidential Inauguration had the largest audience present in the history of the United States. Period. Many have accused this of being a blatant lie, but heroic Kellyanne Conway offered some airtight defense. She argued Spicer merely had provided an “Alternative Fact,” a harmless act. Who has the right to call Sean Spicer a liar if he truly believed, with all of his heart, that the American people should be told this Alt-truth? No one.

Here are some fun Alternative Facts to start your day.

Literally the Top 100 Worst Things of all Time

So. Welcome to our list of literally the top 100 worst things of all time. These are things that I hate, things that I despise. And these are things that you should hate and despise as well. Because they are such hate-able and despise-able things.

Honestly, if you feel in any way offended by the true facts told in this article, feel free to leave a comment in the comments section below. I will enjoy deleting your comment because of my lack of caring about your stupid and wrong opinion. But first, to quote a fairly annoying man we all know, I will respond “WRONG”. Then I will delete you.

So. Start reading this list. Have at it. Try not to literally explode with all the hate you will be feeling when you read this article. Or try not to explode with joy, as you will be quite joyed to see someone finally say what all us intelligent people have always been thinking.

Macaroni Politics: Donald Trump claims that election is rigged, Hillary Clinton used his own words against him

Well, we’re back at it again, interviewing America’s favorite loser.

Trump Unsure of How Voting Works

Donald J. “The Donald” Trump and his wife Melania “A Melania” Trump casting their votes today

While visiting the polling station today with his wife, Melania, Trump realized he doesn’t know how to cast a vote. He leaned over to see his wife’s paper, not unlike a 3rd grader during a Math Test, making sure he put the right answer.

“Frankly, the whole system is a mess,” Trump explained to the press afterwards. “I’ll be honest, I did look on my wife’s ballot. I wanted to be sure that she was voting for a good candidate, and now I am. She told me that she had voted for me when she had finished, but I didn’t understand it. She had checked off Hillary! So I still wasn’t sure, so I checked with the next person at the booth, who also told me that they were voting for me. And then a few more people after that, okay? And they all voted for me, but none of them checked off Trump.”

“It’s so confusing, you can literally check off any box and it will be a vote for me. What if someone wants to vote for crooked Hillary, or pothead Johnson? They should be able to!” Trump exclaimed heroically. “So, just to support a candidate that won’t be receiving any votes, I checked off the box for Hillary. Y’know I’m a gentleman, no one respects women more than me. I think Hillary deserves a vote, even if she is a woman. Sadly, that vote’s still gonna go to me, but at least in spirit, she’ll be getting a vote.”

What a gentleman. No one respects women more than him.

–Intern No. 048

The Day of Reckoning – Vote your conscience

So the day is here. And now by some weird-ass new New York state law, you can officially log your vote online. Even on the Macaroni Report! That’s right, vote for your favoirte political candidate right here, right now! Click here to see how!

Dozens of Countries Preemptively Close Borders to American Refugees

Election day is tomorrow and America is on the edge of its seat. We’re all anxiously awaiting to see which way the teetering sanity of the United States will finally fall. However, regardless of which candidate is elected, a familiar threat is being heard among voters.

Macaroni Politics: Poll shows that most cats quite offended by Trump’s “grab em by the pussy” comments

It seems that Donald Trump just shot himself in the foot again. As an old interview of the Donald resurfaced, bringing to light his most recent inflammatory remarks, specifically his remark about how he can use his celebrity status to acquire women and can simply “grab em by the pussy”, the latest polls reveal that the majority of felines are quite offended by this statement. It seems that Trump is struggling in yet another demographic that is not made up of white male humans. This could be just what Hillary needs to retain a healthy lead in her bid for the white house.

Announcement

I, the Broom Closet Sasquatch, hereby humbly endorse Donald J. Trump for President. I believe that Donald J. Trump is one of the best presidential candidates to have a shot at the presidency in many years, and recommend that all Americans vote for Donald J. Trump, a man who’s policies are sure to bring economic prosperity and peace to America. I believe that Trump is the sole man in today’s political field that has the necessary drive, determination, and beliefs to lead this country to a brighter tomorrow. To conclude, I full-heartedly support Donald Trump in this year’s presidential election, and will be willing to stand behind all of his policies and beliefs, now and in the future. Amen.

-BCS

Quiz: Which Presidential Candidate should you vote for?

Well Macaroni readers, we all know that the dreaded day in November is fast approaching, and it’s likely that a large number of you are just as confused as this author as to what the fuck is going on this year in our political world. So, we thought we could maybe help you out, and we (by we I mean I, of course) put our noggins together to create this quiz, which tells you exactly which candidate you should vote for in simple terms. Amazing, right?

Below you can find a series of questions relating to major policy issues and such. Below each will be five different opinions to the answer of that question. Pick whichever answer is closest to your own opinion on the issue, and then at the end our advanced question formulator thingy will use your answers to determine which Presidential candidate is closest to you on the key issues. Easy right? Okay let’s get this thing started, simply click below to begin our quiz!