Christmas Wish List of a Greenville Student

 

Dear Santa Paws (sorry this is late, buutttt I’ve been *fairly* nice this year so maybe you can do one more Christmas miracle and fly out of the North Pole to Greenville?),

A Christmas Surprise

It’s Christmas time, and I must admit that while it can’t quite hold up to a German Krampusnacht celebration (A celebration of Santa’s evil counterpart who kidnaps and kills naughty children), or the Peruvian Takankuy (basically a drunken fistfight, look it up, its pretty awesome), I am feeling a bit of that patented Christmas cheer. Because ignoring it and burning the solstice tree early didn’t make it go away, I decided the best way would be to embrace it and give kids a gift they could really enjoy. This is Christmas miracle, Santa edition.

Lead Found In School Water, Doesn’t Beat Shit

Shocking nobody, Greenville School District has recently revealed that water in the high school is tainted with lead. Some people were just relieved that it wasn’t another round of sewage, as was common this spring. The taste still hasn’t fully rinsed out of the pipes from when the town construction workers, in perhaps a biblical tribute in spirit of Easter, turned water not to wine, but to human waste.

Macaroni Critique: The Il Interview

The video. The movie. The legend. This is the Il Interview, the single greatest homemade Youtube video ever created. Created for a history project in Mr. Thela’s class, this video is both informative and badass. Now let’s critique it so you can all hear about it, and be encouraged to watch it and love it.

Macaroni Critique: EverFi

Prepare to learn people, coming to you know, is EverFi Financial Literacy

Which Macaroni Employee are you?

You know the drill. Answer these questions and there is a 100% chance we totally guessed what person you are. And if none of these match you, well then get off of our website.

Significant: The Postal Service in Holiday Film

We’ve decorated Macaroni HQ for our upcoming Christmas Party, and it’s got us thinking. While the interns string up lights around their cubicles, and boiler room workers roast chestnuts over the furnace, we MailRoom Interns have been burning our eyeballs out watching Christmas movies. The three of us interns, the MailRoom CEO, and this mannequin wearing MailRoom VP’s name tag haven’t stopped watching our festive favorites for the past week. And it’s made us more productive than ever! Not in terms of actually sorting and shipping mail, but in terms of deep thought. Apart from glue-sniffing induced ramblings, this is the most active conversation we’ve had in a long time, and we’d like to share our thoughts with you. Here’s what we have to say about the portrayal of the postal service in Christmas movies:

Sport Facilities Finally Finished

[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #4]

In Greenville, our gym has been under construction for the past couple of months/years. The good news is that the HS gym is complete, and it has many new, if boring features, including the maroon bleachers on one side of the gym [Editor’s Note: Not new, we always has maroon bleachers you fools], and the new LEAD scoreboards and shot clocks. There is brand new floors with customized paint, new wall pain, and finally a new dividing curtain to replace the old fold out wall, all of which surprisingly only contain double the legal limit of asbestos. “It will truly make a great athletic environment for basketball, volleyball, and wrestling, but no other sports. Additionally, it will make a great environment for the most useless course, physical education,” says a gym teacher.

As well as Greenville receiving a new High School gym, we’ve also received new and just-as-useless soccer scoreboards. The new scoreboards are meant to finally keep Greenville up to date with the year 1995. The people watching now have a slightly better understanding of the otherwise incomprehensible time period of the game as well as the score of the game, which is well-documented as being impossible to remember. The referees can also stop the clock whenever they feel like being dicks (AKA all the time).

And through this all, Greenville STILL hasn’t fixed that leak in the roof.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Pokemon Go Idiot Stories

[Operation BigMac 3.0 – #3]

The very well known app Pokemon Go appeared in the app store on July 6th 2016, and was a huge hit within the hour it launched. Throughout the months, there have been some pretty idiotic stories about people being total dumbasses while playing Pokemon Go. 

Story Time

As we’ve all been able to tell rather well from my previous articles, my ability in the satire department is rather weak. So, I’m going to try this. Maybe once a week, if possible, I’m going to write a short story in really whatever topic I feel to. So, without further ado, let’s begin.