Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Well Greenvillian, looks like you survived yet another year of Christmas, a holiday marketed as the happiest time of the year while in reality it’s more like the most strenuous time of the year. Seriously, it’s harsh. And me being the good Samaritan that I am, I took the time to write you guys this nice article that should help you prepare for the helliday next year.

With all these words getting thrown around, sometimes it’s just hard to keep track of it all. If you’re like us and sometimes question what the hell is someone talking about when they say figgy pudding or reference Chinese Turkey, maybe you too need to check out this Christmas dictionary and just figure out what the fuck is going on.

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Guide to surviving the holidays: Your Christmas Dictionary

Mother Nature plays Elaborate April Fool’s Joke on Greenville

As pretty much everyone in Greenville now knows, something has gone horribly wrong. After an entire winter of no snow-days, a large snowstorm has decided to show up and give us a snow-day on April 4th.

After consulting with numerous weathermen/women, staring out the window, and reading the idiot’s guide to meteorology, I have determined that this is an elaborate prank being played on us by Mother Nature. The only logical conclusion to be drawn is that Mother Nature has specifically chosen to withhold the snow in order to spit in the face of the Greenville Board of Education, seeing as they have already granted us some extra days off to compensate for the lack of snow-days. She must have been concocting this evil plot for months. However, by some calendar mishap, she sent this snowstorm 3 days later than originally intended. This in the end benefited most of the little Greenvillians, as Mother Nature’s clever ploy did not overshadow the pathetic “April Fool’s Jokes” of Greenville; namely the hiding of alarm clocks in the band room, and the taping of Hulk pictures to Mr. Siebrecht’s door (we’re not mentioning any names, but we know who you are).

We originally consulted the Broom Closet Sasquatch on the subject, realizing our mistake too late. Despite his claims that he is a “weather expert”, ┬áhe fabricated lies about how the weird weather is a sign of climate change. Of course, this can’t possibly be true, as everyone knows that climate change is a synonym for global warming, so how could snow be a sign of warming? Who cares about those months of warm winter weather, were talking about snow in April here.

In other news, there has recently been a tripling in the reported cases of frostbite, as the rednecks who insist on wearing shorts and t-shirts the moment the temp first hits above freezing were caught off guard by the sudden change in weather.

-Kitchenette Intern

Mother Nature plays Elaborate April Fool’s Joke on Greenville